TRUMP WANTS “VERY TOUGH PROSECUTION” FOR INDIVIDUAL 1

Donald J. Trump is a man who deeply believes in justice and the rule of law. He came by The Lint Screen offices to discuss his views.

“I’m someone who wants to right wrongs,” the president said. “Last week’s testimony from Cohen was nothing but a bunch of lies. Cohen should go to prison for a very, very long time. But if there is any proof that this ‘Individual 1’ does actually exist, then we should find out who it is. I have instructed my Attorney General Matt Whitaker that I want very tough prosecution of this Individual 1. We can’t have someone like that running around.”

Trump said he believes laws are sacred and must be enforced.

“If someone steps outside of the law, that person should be prosecuted. But if that person demonstrates loyalty, then I have the right to pardon him. That is justice because nothing is more important than loyalty.”

The big guy is not a fan of Bob Mueller.

“Mueller and his band of angry Democrats are wasting taxpayer money bribing people like Cohen to tell lies. He is a weak man. Very weak. But if Cohen is actually lying to protect this mysterious Individual 1, then let’s find out who that person is. He sounds like one bad hombre. It’s my job to protect America, and no one has ever done it better. But I suspect Individual 1 is probably a lie because Mueller is on the biggest witch hunt in history. He needs to be shut down fast. No collusion, no climate change, no MBS murdering journalists!”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).