HAWLEY SAYS HE WAS “EXERCISING” DURING CAPITOL COUP ATTEMPT

                                                                                           Sen. Hawley claims he loves “working out at work.”

Anyone who knows Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley will tell you that he is a turd on two legs, and Hawley proved that beyond a shadow of a doubt on January 6th, 2020.

Hawley, who in the morning marched to the Capitol bravely, thrusting his fist in the air to signal solidarity to the angry pack of delusional Trump supporters, was seen running for his life hours later when the same mob stormed the Capitol Building.

“The liberal media is doing a big hit job on me,” Hawley tells The Lint Screen. “They are trying to paint me as a coward for running like a frightened child when the patriots came to stop the steal. Well, as we say in Missouri, or is it Missoura?––that’s a load of hooey. Or do we say hogwash? Whatever we say in our state, that’s not true. By golly gumdrops, I’m the guy who is concerned about the masculinity of men these days. I’m a man’s man––a very brave fellow.”

Hawley stands straight and models his tight blue suit in The Lint Screen’s luxurious offices, offering coffee for only $1.25 a cup.

“Do you think a ripped bod like mine happens by accident?” he asks, pivoting and casting a seductive pout over his left shoulder. “As we see in the ‘Show-me’… or is it “Show-us?” state. Heck, no!” He clears his throat. “By golly.”

Hawley walks to the conference room table, plops down, and props his long legs on the tabletop. 

“January 6th was a tense day,” he says. “All the Senators around me were uptight about the patriots coming to save America and keep Donald Trump in office. Jiminy June bug, I was a little tense myself, so I decided to go for a run to relax. And that’s when the video cameras caught–– me, exercising.” He chuckles. “And now the liberal media is trying to make maintaining good physical condition like a big news story. I wasn’t running out of fear. I was working out at work.”

Hawley rises from the table.

“I hope you guys will print the true story,” he says. That Josh Hawley stood up. “The story that the courageous Josh Hawley stood up to the stolen election, and he has a smokin’ bod that doesn’t quit.”

The cowardly piece of shit struts out of the offices, casually flipping two middle fingers into the air.

We think we know what that means in Missouri. Or Missoura.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.