SEN. PERDUE DEFENDS TRUMP’S “ALLEGED RACIST TWEETS”

Georgia Sen. David Perdue called The Lint Screen offices today and clarified his previous remarks about President Trump’s recent Tweets about four progressive Congress members of color.

The Tweets were aimed at Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar, and Ayanna Pressley and directed them to “go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came.”

Sen. Perdue spoke on the record to TLS.

“First off, there is nothing racist in what the president said. And, being a great grammarian, few people appreciate how he crafted his sentence so it didn’t end in a preposition––‘from which they came’ is a real classy way to speak gooder English. The president is clearly someone who knows his language. The language God gave us.”

“But these alleged racist Tweets are another brouhaha stirred up by the fake news media. President Trump is the least racist person I know. Just look at the facts.”

“He has that nice black fellow named Ben Carson in his cabinet. That funky dude is very well-spoken, and I think he’s even a doctor! The president has told me some of his best friends are colored, and I know for a fact he loves Motown music.”

“President Trump also has an Oriental woman in his cabinet––Elaine Chao. She seems very nice, and her husband Mitch O’Connell says she is very obedient like those people always are.”

“And let’s not forget Alex Acosta who recently was forced out by the liberals over some bogus progressive stink. I believe Alex was some flavor of Mexican or another Spanish-speaking country. Plus, everyone knows the president loves Taco Bell! And some of that food is really spicy. Too spicy for this hombre!”

“President Trump even has a lot of women running things in Washington. He doesn’t just want the girls cooped-up in the kitchen all day–– no, sir! He thinks women can do a lot of men’s work, so he gives them positions of power. He also gives them time off if they need to go to the beauty parlor, have lady problems, or run errands. He is a very generous man.”

“Look, it’s preposterous and outrageous to say our president is a racist, not when he clearly demonstrates through his actions that he loves people of all colors and sexes. I believe there’s not a racist bone in President Trump’s body.”

“Maybe those four liberal loudmouths should take President Trump’s excellent advice and skedaddle back to their homelands. We’ve got work to do here making this country great again!”

Sen. Perdue closed by saying, “Listen, anyone who doesn’t love our president a hundred percent obviously don’t love our country. And as far as I’m concerned, you can move back to your shithole country.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).