POMPEO OPTIMISTIC ABOUT MELTING ICE CAPS

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo sees great opportunities thanks to the alleged climate change crisis.

“I agree with the president,” Pompeo told The Lint Screen. “There’s no such thing as climate change–– it’s a Chinese hoax! Like evolution or gravity. But, luckily, the ice caps are melting which is like slowly opening a Christmas present because we have a lot more opportunity for grabbing oil and mineral rights.”

For a non-scientist, Pompeo knows his stuff: the polar ice caps have melted 95 percent in the past three decades.

“But the melting is not the result of man or pollution,” Pompeo said. “How the heck can we control nature? Obviously, the melting is the handiwork of God.”

Pompeo looked to heaven as he put his hands in praying mode. “God giveth and God taketh away. In this case, He’s taking away the ice to give us more land! He wants us to have more oil and gas and minerals. Who are we to argue with God’s will?”

Pompeo also sees opportunities in water sports. 

“When ice melts, it makes water,” the Secretary of State proclaimed. “And more water means more chances to take the boat out and maybe water ski. We should also get a lot more beachfront property. This will be huge for the real estate market.”

Asked about the dangers the melting caps presented for arctic wildlife, Pompeo shrugged his shoulders. 

“Nature’s cruel. Take it up with God. And if polar bears don’t make it, so what? Maybe they shouldn’t have been drinking so much Coke.”

________________________________________________________________________________________

Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).