Exclusive Hillary Book Excerpts

The Lint Screen has obtained an advance copy of Hillary Clinton’s upcoming book, “What Happened” and proudly presents some choice excerpts.

“Woke up in Burlington, Vermont. We had breakfast at Ed’s Diner. The media coverage was minimal — a high school newspaper reporter, a ‘shock-jock’ doing a live remote, and a PBS station manager filming with his iPhone. To add insult to injury, my toast was burnt! I was very disappointed, and I know it was Bernie’s fault. Vermont is his country, and I know he has it in for me. Why won’t he drop out? This is my turn!”

“Bernie is promising nothing but candy to voters. I’m giving them straight talk — a little sugar with a vinegar chaser. People respect that.”

“Big rally in Brooklyn today. Had a great turn out, but the microphone was faulty. I got some audio feedback during my speech. It was very disturbing. The crowd seemed completely captivated with my charismatic articulation and framing of complex policy issues and global leadership strategies, but then there’d be some feedback, and I seemed to lose them a bit. I suspect Donald is behind this. It would be just like him to sabotage me.”

“Attended Iowa State Fair today. I took a big bite of pork sandwich for the classic photo-op, and the meat had gristle. It was very chewy. I smiled through it, but I suspect Bernie had something to do with the incident.”

“Deb (Debbie Wasserman Schultz) suggested on the plane we take a campaign trip to Wisconsin and Michigan next week. I told her there was absolutely no need for that, we have white working people in the bag. I laughed — they’d never vote for a rich guy like Donald.”

“Did the ‘Ellen’ show today. Put on some dance moves that should seal the deal with the female vote. I’m feeling confident, starting to think about White House decorating ideas. Chintz?”

“Spoke to Chelsea today, she is very excited! She told me to keep my Oval Office chair warm — she’s starting to plan her run! We’re like royalty!!!”

“Tape released today of Donald saying extremely vulgar things about ‘lady parts.’ Unbelievably crude! This HAS to seal the deal! No woman in her right mind would EVER vote for a creep like him. I thought about canceling the rest of my campaign stops (it’s very tiring), but Bill encouraged me to continue. Who would think Donald is sleazier than Bill, for Pete’s sake?! Amazing!”

And so on, for 512-pages.

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of ASO Advertising.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).