TRUMP’S PERSONAL MIME GRANTED IMMUNITY

Donald J. Trump may regret his 1999 decision to have a professional mime attend all his private meetings — now that the quiet one will sing like a bird for the dirty witch hunting screws!

“Mitch” The Mime was employed by the Trump Organization to pantomime all confidential conversations The Donald had.

“The boss thought Mitch was funny,” said Bullet Blutaw, a security officer who has worked for Trump since 1992. “Mitch would pretend like he was pulling a rope really hard, or walking against a strong wind, or like he was trapped in a box, — and the big guy would roar. He’d slap his knee and say, ‘Look, he can’t talk! He’s a dummy! Do it again!’ He loved Mitch’s zany antics so much, the chief kept him employed when he went to the Oval Office. But he put him on the taxpayer’s dole. Mitch was a senior advisor making $172,200 a year. Not too shabby for a guy who don’t say squat.”

But it seems like the lousy stinking feds have Mitch The Mime in a box now!

“Mitch is going to tell everything he knows,” the mime’s attorney, Darryl Winthrop III told The Lint Screen. “Of course, he’s not going to break character. That would be a betrayal of his professional code. Mitch will pantomime all the illegal and shady activities he saw in his years working with Trump.”

The quiet one joins a crew of weak-kneed blabbermouths willing to rat out the prez in return for immunity from prosecution: Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg, Trump’s personal attorney Michael Cohen, and David Pecker, the CEO of National Enquirer publisher American Media Inc., who squashed the big man’s scandals in a safe.

“The boss is furious,” Bullet Brutaw said, as he straightened his necktie and spat. He took a switchblade from his pocket, snapped it open and began cleaning beneath his fingernails while he continued.

“Seems like everyone’s turning tail and becoming a chatty Cathy. Gabby gossipers are taking their best shots to save themselves. They’re yellow, they can’t do the time. Maybe I should sharpen my blade on their tongues.” He smiled. “At least there’s some good news. I saw Ivanka going into Bob Mueller’s office with a stack of confidential file folders. I’m sure she’s speaking up for the old man. She’s always got his back.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to be a full-time writer, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

Thanks for reading.