Falwell Says Students Who Die Will Be Failed

Last week, Jerry Falwell Jr. partially reopened Liberty University, his evangelical boot camp. He commanded his students to return to campus and ignore "the brouhaha of the fake news media and its coronavirus scare."

"The crooked lamestream media is overblowing this fake pandemic," Falwell told The Lint Screen, "It's just another attempt by liberal God-hating heathens to make President Trump look bad. They couldn't get him with Stormy Daniels, the Mueller investigation, impeachment, or Article 25, so now they have this health crisis fraud. Satan is a cunning adversary, but I will beat him!"

Being a true patriot and loyal Trump supporter, Falwell said he "wouldn't allow my university to remain shut down for no good reason." So, he commanded students to return to campus and crack open the Good Book.

One parent complained this act was dangerous for student health. Falwell called the parent "a dummy" in a tweet. Falwell heads Liberty University's debate team renowned for its aggressive use of the 'I'm rubber; you're glue'' argument first posited by Socrates.

Since reopening the campus, a dozen students are allegedly sick with symptoms of the COVID-19 virus.

"I don't know if that many students are sick or not," Falwell said, "but if they think they're getting out of this semester by dying, they have another thing coming. I will fail them. Liberty University will not reward show-offs who die trying to make our president look bad. That's just unAmerican."

Falwell pauses and looks to the ceiling.

"And besides, students taken by our Lord are obviously martyrs. Grades won't do them any good in heaven anyway. If they perish, I've done them a big favor. Praise be God!"

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).