TROOPS DEPLOYED FROM BORDER TO FORESTS

President Trump sure knows how to be commander-in-chief!

After deploying over 5,000 troops to the southern United States border for protection against the horrendously dangerous caravan, the Big Fella made an executive decision to send the soldiers out west and is putting them on clean-up duty instead.

“The president wants to stop all the western forest fires,” White House spokeswoman Amy Kunderew told The Lint Screen. “All these horrible fires are ravaging the land because the forest floors haven’t been cleaned in years. They’re disgraceful. Filfthy! We’ve become a laughingstock in Finland. So the president is being very presidential by ordering troops to take corrective cleaning action. They will be armed with Dyson vacuum cleaners and given the assignment of cleaning forest floors.”

When asked if this move was another craven publicity stunt by the president using the military, Kunderew scoffed.

“Absolutely not. President Trump has the highest regard for U.S. troops. Unless of course, if it’s raining. He used our troops and protected millions of innocent Americans from the deadly caravan that was moving very fast and then after the midterms slowed to a crawl for some mysterious reason. But now our leader wants to protect Americans by having the troops execute their new duty of cleaning the forest floors. We’re even airlifting-in Swiffers and feather dusters! President Trump is taking this action even if it benefits liberals. He is that kind of a president! He only thinks of others, never himself.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).