Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago · 4 min. reading time · ~10 ·

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The Process Of Dying Remains A Mystery, As The Fear Of Death Remains A Top Fear

The Process Of Dying Remains A Mystery, As The Fear Of Death Remains A Top Fear


According to Dr. Christopher Kerr the two biggest fears people face in society is the fear of public speaking and dying. I have to admit, public speaking was fear of mine but the idea of dying is a much larger fear. I am not a Doctor obviously, but I did see my share of patients and my own mother at the end of their lives. 

Dying has been and will continue to be a mystery when it comes to differing views on an afterlife or not. There are also differing theories about the brain and dying. Some researchers believe that there is heightened consciousness just before death, others do not agree with this hypothesis. 

In this article Parnia explains heightened consciousness

"To her, the signals are a sign of heightened consciousness and she speculates that such spikes of activity might be a sort of built-in defence. “When the brain is in danger, it needs to be hyper-alert, so the individual can deal with a crisis,” she says."

Again, I am not a doctor, researcher or scientist but being an observer of the dying, I have to disagree with Parnia's hypothesis.  

When my father was dying and I went to kiss him good night, he told me good bye. I was leaving for the night because mom had 5 children at home and knew his time was short- my dad didn't know I was leaving for the night. Friends offered to have us over so mom could take care of dad. An hour before my dad passed he asked my mom to bring him my baby sister who was 18 months old at the time so he could kiss her goodbye.  

I witnessed many patients who were dying while I worked in the hospital and what I saw was quite similar with most of the patients who had been terminally ill. Some were very confused and agitated prior to death but would have a sudden surge hours before their death. It appeared their state of confusion left, they were hungry, talking to their family members as if nothing had happened and even appeared as though they were taking a turn for the better. They talked about the past and present as if their mind had never been altered. At some point within hours they would become comatose, yet many of these patients also would say things like, "I wan't to go home," look over in that corner, do you see Jimmy, he's waving to you, my sister Joan is waiting patiently for me, my parents have come to guide me home." I would hear these statements just prior to the patient falling into a deep coma.  I used to think they were saying, "I want to go home," out of confusion but as years have passed, I honestly feel they meant to their final destination. 

My mom was in a semi-coma 3 days prior to passing. My mom never spoke of religion or spirituality but on day 2 she awoke from her semi-coma and for appearances sake, seemed as though she was having a come back. Mom was not able to swallow, speak well, let alone drink or eat the day before. When she had her 'surge' as we called it, she said, wow- I don't know what happened to me yesterday but I'm thirsty and hungry! Mom drank 40 oz's of fluids, had some food, asked my husband if she could try his beer. After taking a sip, she whispered to him, "You really shouldn't drink that." We all had a good laugh. He was drinking a stout ale.  Just the day before during mom's semi-coma she awoke a bit while I was holding her hand and told me she was seeing people. The healthcare person came out due to what I had seen many times in the past and I asked her if they were still here on earth? My mom told me no. Her eyes looked a bit fearful, actually, I'm not sure I can pull out a word to describe the look in her eyes so I was trying to tread lightly because it seemed she wanted to talk about it. So, I asked her if they were nice people? Mom told me they were! Phew, that made me feel better because mom's father had passed and they had a very bad relationship and I thought maybe she was seeing him. She could have been and her encounter may have differed from the vision I had in my mind. I went on to ask mom if she saw dad, and she became very agitated telling me, "no, no..... I don't want to talk about it!"  I felt like I let her down and held a lot of guilt for some time because I didn't know why that would have upset her.  

After Mom's surge

Mom was awake and feeling so well for about 6 hours or so and then she fell back into a semi-coma that night. Mom fell into a deep coma the day of her death about 24 hours later.  We were lucky to have some very special extra moments with her. No one can explain what happens to a patient when they 'come back to life,' for a short period of time. Again, there are hypothesis, but nothing tangible.  I want to believe it's a miraculous gift some are given but again, that's just my own hypothesis.  Dying will remain a mystery, for what ever reasons it seems we aren't supposed to know what happens but I want to believe we do have lost loved ones waiting to guide us 'home-' wherever home may be after we pass. 

I want to leave you with this TedxBuffalo talk with Dr. Christopher Kerr who explains his own experiences as a Doctor, not a religious person or from a spiritual perspective. I found this very interesting and thought provoking. There is video contained within his talk of a woman named Mary who was very alert and explained who she was seeing on both sides of her before she passed. I really hope you have the time to to watch this video if this subject is of interest because it left me with a sense of calm. 

Last, I would love for others to share any experiences they've had with a loved one or in a healthcare setting. I'm certain there are still many stories that have gone untold, so please do share! I will leave you with the video. 

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Ken Boddie

4 years ago #49

A subject we must all come to grips with, some time or later, Lisa. Thanks for presenting some interesting data and for the video. I missed this when you first published it last year.

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #48

I agree Claire L Cardwell, I think there are just some deaths we never fully recover from, we just live life differently. I'm sorry for all your losses. Amazing story about your grandmother seeing the Irish Setter! I love hearing stories like this because it helps to know so many have experienced it. It makes it very real, and I believe it is. So sorry, I never saw a notification.

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #47

I'm sorry you lost your mom but happy you were able to have that precious time with her Jordan Sands, most important, to say goodbye after all the laughter and crying. I think of this surge our loved ones experience as a miracle that we just can't explain?

Claire L Cardwell

4 years ago #46

Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher - strange experiences I believe help us deal with the reality of loss after someone dies. When my maternal Grandfather died (I never met John Leslie unfortunately he died before I was born) on the day of his funeral my mother came downstairs and saw him sitting in his chair in the hall. When my was Grandmother dying my Mother told me that Grandma quire clearly said 'There's Rory, he's come to fetch me.', (Rory was our first family dog - an Irish Setter - in fact all our dogs have been Irish Setters), my Mother looked around to see if one of our dogs had escaped. 'No Diane, it's Rory,' my Grandmother insisted, 'here's your Father now.' shortly afterwards she died.

Claire L Cardwell

4 years ago #45

Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher - it can take a long time, a very long time to actually be happy that you knew that person without having the tinge of regret colour your recollection first. I do always find myself thinking that I wish I had spent more time with that person in general (and of course especially in the months before their death). I think that we all need to make more time, more quality time for people we love and cherish in our lives. I am only just coming to terms with Fernando's death just over 2 years ago. Losing Tembeka (just over a year ago) and Uncle Bob (Bob Percival - May this year) is still a bit raw. Of course losing someone that is special or close to your heart is something that you never really entirely get over in my opinion. There's that old saw 'better to have loved someone and lost, than to have never loved at all' - it's so true!

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #44

Thanks for sharing my buzz Claire L Cardwell!

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #43

Your words bring such hopeful comfort Kevin Baker - thank you! He was not an easy man to love, so I just chose to!

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #42

Thanks for sharing Cyndi wilkins!

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #41

You were all so young Louise Smith. We ranged in age (myself being the oldest) from 10 yrs to 18 months old. Everyone in my family dealt with dads death differently. My brother had night terrors after dad died and his memory became blocked of any memories he had of our father to this day. My brother and I are only 15 mos apart in age and we spent SO much time with my dad together. As an adult now, I cry for children who lose a parent too, they can't understand. I really thought dad would return, at least for a while. I think that was my way of coping or not??? I'm not sure of your age but when we lost dad they didn't have Hospice, or other programs available to children and their families back then. It was as if we were all to stay hush after the funeral because death was a topic you certainly didn't touch back then.

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #40

I think that's what frightens so many of us Jordan Sands. I have to hang on to all my strange experiences and keep believing that our physical bodies die but our spirit lives on forever. I honestly believe the less we (as a society) talk about death, the more fear keeps building. For me, it feels healthy to talk about a part of life that is just as inevitable as birth.

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #39

Hi Aaron \ud83d\udc1d Skogen, Isn't it nice to feel that feeling, that we are never far from each other even after death? I'm not sure if I missed your blog about your NDE and accident, what happened? I have had 2 dreams about my dad since he passed. They were dreams like no other. It's hard to explain if a person hasn't experienced dreams that are more like an encounter. I never remember most of my dreams and if I do just small fragments. One dream- my Aunt had the same dream on the same night. I began to tell her I had a dream of my grandparents (her parents) and from that point on she cut me off because she was so excited to tell me she had one too. Our dreams were identical. The scenery was the same down to their clothing. i also saw my dad on a dock fishing off in the distance. That's the only part of the dream that differed. Thanks for your comment, appreciated!

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #38

Who is Jordon? Is there a post I can't see lol? Your sentiment, NDE= Not dead enough, made me chuckle. But, I've seen many who might as well have been dead during a long coma while their family members watch longing for an answer, then they awaken at times when the family was told they would die and have such beautiful stories to tell about an afterlife, we've yet to experience. Those stories give me hope and help me to fear death much less. I think it's the process of dying that many fear, I sure do.

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #37

Hi Harley King, glad you enjoyed the TedX talk.Sometimes I have a hard time listening. He's a great speaker and it wasn't too long.

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #36

I'm sure I will be visiting the N. England States again in the next few years, we will have to plan to visit Cyndi wilkins! What a heart warming story about your kitten. That had to be so tough. I have a 14 yr old Boston Terrier and he can be such a pain (said like a mom) but I love him. He loves to be covered up like a person, will even cry until you cover him with blankets and I DREAD when that time comes. I lost my cocker spaniel in 2004 and it took me a while to get over her loss. It's weird, my boston will stare and keep looking back at me in the same area my cocker always lied down. Animals have a much stronger sixth sense than humans.

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #35

Thanks so much Puneet Srivastava, I can't wait to see them!

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #34

I love this statement Lisa Vanderburg "Death is at least as deserving of every honor, dignity and sanctity that birth should be" How true, we should go out with the dignity we come into this world with. Birth is just as much as a mystery (life/soul) as death is. We understand how babies are made but not how life truly comes to be, same can be said about death.

Louise Smith

4 years ago #33

My father died when I was 6yo. We did lots of things together. My sister was 2yo & my brother was 1yo. I remember some of the things that happened at that time but can't write about them. While studying psyc at uni, I did Lifeline Telephone Counselling to get some specific knowledge and practical experience. It took me a while but finally realised why I cried when young people called to talk about the death of their parent/s or someone close to them.

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #32

Aw thanks, Jordan - I hope it helps also to know that it's those who have gone before us that legends are made from - I expect you'll be one!

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #31

Thanks so much Kevin Baker; my apologies; disrespect was directed for the dead, dying and those that watch and wait and suffer. But I see the distinction you mean...maybe it's my own spiritual bend alongside the author's perspective to think that even those who have been found alive some time after being termed deceased still do not take the same 'path' as those who truly leave for good. Just an aside here, when my dad died, it came as a bit of a shock. Not because he was old and terminal and had been for the past year or so, nor because he had just been moved into his palliative bed at home. It was 'my night' to give my step-ma some sleep and the first night of oxygen and morphine should he need it. We all knew it would be soon. Yet that evening a few hours before, he'd been barking orders for his brandy & ginger, telling us all off for being 'wimmin' and holding court for the males - the usual. During the night he slept for a few hours (I kept vigil in a twin bed next to him) and he began to wake. I asked him if he needed anything. He waived an arm in irritation and told me to get him up NOW! I was faffing with the bed-controls and he was struggling to the point of trying to get through the bars - kept pushing me off. The strain of it all must have brought about his final event as his eyes rolled back. I ran to get ma who took over and came back after getting my hubby and called the fam. I digress - it was a shock because he was such an intellectual giant, Master of all he surveyed and his last words to me were typical; 'oh SHUT UP WOMAN!' If anyone could've cheated death, it would've been him:)

Cyndi wilkins

4 years ago #30

If you ever 'buzz on' by my neck of the woods Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher I will show them to you in person;-) It seems we have shared a common experience with 'seeing' the otherwise unseen...That is very precious indeed. I have to say my most poignant moment with the realms of the unseen was when my kitten died years ago...Her picture still hangs on the wall in my office...The loss of a beloved pet has a way of bringing a grown man to his knees in agony...and a baby kitten...well dear God...just shoot me now. She used to jump up on the foot of the bed and crawl up my body to curl herself around my neck at night and purr me peacefully to sleep...The night she died I was a 'puddle' of a person...holding her collar in my hand and wailing like a I exhausted myself into a state of 'in between' ...I felt her jump on the bed and make her way up my body to my neck as she had always done...The sense of peace I felt was so overwhelming I thought my heart would leap right out of my chest. In that moment a sliver of light appeared in the darkness of my a door opening ever so slightly...I told her it was time for her to go now and I'd be okay now that I knew she was...A light brush of her tail and she was gone...and once again I fell into a peaceful sleep. Blessings to you love;-)

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #29

Following what you said Kevin Baker continue, I'm thinking NDEs are just that - not dead enough (sorry!). I imagine if one were to come back from a NDE than it just isn't your time. I'd like to think of that as different from inevitable 'achievable' death. Yup - I know, sounds....disrespectful?? But it's not my intention!

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #28

We don't know each other, so for my tuppence Jordon I have to say that neither death nor dying holds any fear for me, but it must be awful for you - I appreciate that! Don't know if this'll help at all...I had a sister who used to believe in reincarnation; her 'memories' of her past lives were decidedly rosier than her present life had been, so we'd spend fun hours discussing this. But in the end, who in hell would WANT to come back? This life is a world of pain (unless you're a happy child or adolescent or even a young family parent). Ultimately when you live long enough the pain suffered and witness takes its toll, and death becomes the natural release.

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #27

Such a beautiful and stirring subject address with all the sanctity it deserves, Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher - thank you. I just couldn't agree more with everything you say and Dr. Kerr's observations. Death is at least as deserving of every honor, dignity and sanctity that birth should be, Though your own experiences, I can see that you agree. I commend you.

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #26

I hear you Joyce \ud83d\udc1d Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee, love! It's not the same but, I remember at the age of 17 (left home at 15) I was so very exhausted and just wondered how and why I was still alive. I too was at peace - bring it on, I thought.....

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #25

Thank you very much for sharing my buzz saima khan!

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #24

Amazing how something that could have been fatal can turn out to be life changing Puneet Srivastava. I'd love to see the slideshow on slideshare, how do I view it? You are very inspiring, thanks for all your support my friend :)

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #23

I hope Jesse is ok too. I will have to check Out Khorshed Bhavngri on youtube Praveen Raj Gullepalli, thanks! Interesting tid bit about the Tibetan/Zen work. I agree, we all have to complete project earth and there is no schedule as to when our project is complete. Thanks Praveen!

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #22

Extra kudos for commenting since this is a topic you don't particularly like to discuss. Many people do not like discussing death and I understand that completely. There are a few within my own family who don't like discussing it. I have friends who don't like to either and I respect that in anyone who finds it a very difficult if not avoidable topic. But, I love the comment you left because you view the idea of an afterlife much like myself. I too, consider myself a spiritual person. I'm not sure if I'm brave or just too used to discussing it because of my background in healthcare, it was an unavoidable topic and (hmm, how do I put this?) visual. I still have friends who work in healthcare and I think we tend to be very open about it. I guess we are a different breed, lol. As for NDE's, I couldn't agree more. I have read so many books with real life events from people all over the world and they all shared some common denominators, IE: the bright light, colors that are indescribable, seeing lost loved ones, being able to tell others what they saw being done to them in ER or OR after they had clinically died, many were very explicit... how does a person explain that one?! I love your metaphor with the car dying but the person at the wheel is still alive. Thanks for sharing David, I really appreciate it!

David B. Grinberg

4 years ago #21

Lisa, I commend you for writing about such a challenging and sensitive topic. I think a lot of the fear surrounding death is based upon fear of the unknown. The fact is that we don't know what we don't know. Moreover, being a spiritual and positive person, I would be remiss without pointing out the breathtaking "near death" experiences told by people who were technically dead and then brought back to life in the operating room or during a traumatic accident. It appears they all share similar stories about a beauttiful bright light, reuniting with lost loved ones, and having a surreal "out of body" experience. Nevertheless, like many people, I don't particularly like the subject of death and generally feel uncomfortable in discussing it. Yet I feel compelled to chime in because you are brave enough to address this topic head on. I like to use an analogy concerning what happens when a car breaks down: while the car is "dead" for all practical purposes, the driver is still alive and able to leave the car. I equate this metaphorically to the soul/spirit leaving the body following what we conventionally understand as death and dying. The body dies, but the soul lives on in a different shape and form for which we cannot comprehend as mere mortals. At least that's my take for what it's worth.

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #20

Thanks for the share !!

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #19

Joyce \ud83d\udc1d Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee, I have heard others say that as well, they don't fear dying when they have a NDE. If you ever write a blog about it, please tag me. This subject truly interests me. I'm glad you are still among the living :)

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #18

Look forward to your comment Lisa Vanderburg :)
I came very, very close to dying once. A calm acceptance flowed over me as I faced my demise. I accepted the probability so completely, I expressed consternation when I woke still alive. That didn't last on and I got back to the process of living. But I will never fear death again.

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #16

Adorable love Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher, I cannot give the beauty and grace of this buzz justice for my eyes are leaking so badly, I cannot see. I also want to read the comments, so I've sent my self an email with this link: I want to comment fully and with the respect your pure honey has produced....may take me a day or so. Bear with me, loved and beloved.

Jan 🐝 Barbosa

4 years ago #15

Agree !!! 💀😳😳😳😳

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #14

Thanks for sharing Pascal Derrien and 2 others, at least that's what my notifications told me :))

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #13

Thanks , couldn't agree more... much more to life and death than we are aware!

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #12

Hi Kevin Baker, I've read books and there are so many stories that are way too similar across the globe from people of all walks of life. There are people who never read the bible, people who are from other religions, children who are too young to understand and their stories are all quite similar. These stories help to connect some dots. So you are correct about that!

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #11

Cyndi wilkins, that had to be hard to watch your dad go through what he did after his stroke. So many times when a person takes a turn for the worst, it's a cruel turn of fate and it's very hard for loved ones to watch. I had no idea you set up an infrared camera in his room and how interesting to hear of the orbs. What a great feeling to know that Angels were watching over your dad. That had to leave you with such a sense of peace seeing the orbs. I never shared this but I have photos with small and large orbs near my mom before she passed. I had a professional photographer look at them and he told me that they didn't seem to be due to light or something on my camera lens (there was nothing on my lens). I also had tons of orbs on a dark cloudy night around my deck after mom passed. There is much more to this universe than we will ever know. I would love to see your video one day if you decide you want to share it but I totally understand why you don't want to at this point.

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #10

Thanks Harvey Lloyd, I have read of people who've said they have been able to lead a very high spiritual life with total contentment. They state they meditate and have Out of body experiences, have met with loved ones and realize there is much more to our universe than our physical bodies are aware. I really enjoyed Dr. Kerr's Ted Talk, he made it very interesting and talked about things many of us don't speak of out loud. I agree, I believe life is finite (we hopefully get to graduate) from this level and no, our checkbooks will not matter in the end. I wish our checkbooks weren't such an issue until that point ;-)

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #9

Wow Puneet Srivastava, I'm glad you only broke your wrist. That would have been a harrowing fall! How interesting that your yoga centers you so much that you are able to understand life and what's beyond. I would love to hear more about that one day. Do you ever do videos for yoga instruction?

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #8

Hi Pascal Derrien, you certainly were in a deep coma, I'm glad you are here to share all you do! Interesting what you experienced and still remember while in the coma. That's the part others talk of when they are saying it's heightened consciousness. You hit the nail on the head, we just don't know and never will. I find some peace in thinking what these people have experienced is real. For others, they don't mind. I have a few friends who don't believe in an afterlife, they feel when we die that it's just like going to sleep but we never wake up. Thanks for your input, I appreciate it!

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #7

Hi Numo Quest, it sounds like you've witnessed what many have while being present as a loved one dies. I have read about near death experiences and the tunnel. My mother in law had one, she died on the operating table (and obviously they were able to revive her) but she explained that she saw a tunnel, she was able to describe the operating room and what was going on along, she said it was a sense of peace she never felt and didn't fear dying after that.

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #6

Thanks Tricia Mitchell, I will be sure to check out those you mentioned. I love listening to different experiences/perspectives. I find this quite interesting as I'm sure many do. Others would rather leave the topic alone and I say that with respect because we all differ.

Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.

4 years ago #5

Since I know that beloved ones remain connected even when the bodies die, I look at death from another angle. There is much more to life and death than we might realize. Your article is very interesting and brings us to very essential topics in life. Thank you for that Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher

Cyndi wilkins

4 years ago #4

A mystery indeed Miss Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher... Just after my dad's 'surge' he had an acute stroke that left him paralyzed on one side and unable to speak or take nourishment...such a cruel thing in my eyes as the man LOVED to eat. It took two weeks for his body to succumb...and he was very alert and aware of what was happening to him the whole time...When his grip strength became very weak, we knew time was running out. I have some extraordinary video footage of his final days where I inadvertently captured the floating images of several perfectly round and brilliantly bright white orbs of light on the infrared camera I had set up in his room to keep a 'night watch' on him...Little did I know, the angels had my back...They would appear around his body...emerging through the walls, floor, ceiling... and even his own body as the dog lay peacefully at his side. Perhaps one day I will share them...But for right now...They are for my eyes only...A gift from God;-) I hope that brings some peace to everyone grieving the loss of their loved ones...We are never alone...and neither are they;-)

Harvey Lloyd

4 years ago #3

If i may be spiritual for a moment. The Speaker in the video claimed a neutrality within the understanding of spiritual things but couldnt explain what he saw any other way. Death is the ultimate time when we separate the physical from the spiritual. We have lost control of all things physical. We fight for existance until we finally resolve we cant maintain the effort. Once we cross this point we earnestly begin to resolve our spiritual selves in a physical world. This peace cant be explained and when heard by the living sounds crazy. This peace is something we can have without waiting for the end. The resolution between the physical and spiritual is difficult but not unobtainable. Your thoughts here remind us that life is finite and in the end our check book will not matter. Great Ted Talk and insights.

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #2

As often you offer us a deep topic, I am not religious or spiritual but have found some of my articles ''ending'' with the topic of death for whatever reasons. I did not notice what you mentioned in others, my only personal experience being a near death experience with a light coma and flashbacks including 'tunnel'' soft voices and blurry silhouettes. Now I don't know if I have truly experienced it or is it my brain or subconscious who has made up a story I have come to accept as potential reality. In the end it does not matter whatever it is I think people relate to this topic in a different ways and approach allowing their own sensitivities or beliefs to guide them. thru their last steps. Thumbs up on the article ( I will watch the video later) Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher

Lisa Gallagher

4 years ago #1

cc: Cyndi wilkins

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