SUPREME COURT MAKES SPECIAL ACCOMMODATIONS FOR ASSOC. JUSTICE KAVANAUGH

Ice cold kegs of Heineken are now available in the Court, Judge Kavanaugh’s chambers, his private bathroom, and the hallway connecting his chambers to the Court.

“The dude likes his brewskis,” Chief Justice John Roberts told The Lint Screen. “He likes beer, okay? I like beer. Do you like beer? Do you?! Liking beer is cool. We want Brett to feel welcomed. If that means pouring lots of ‘skis,’ no worries. We got him covered.”

But that’s not all. There will also be a supply closet stocked with calendars. “Judge K. likes to keep track of his amazing blessed life,” Associate Justice Samuel Alito said. “Being organized is good, and the new supply closet has every kind of calendar you can imagine: sexy nurses, studious actuaries at work, cats, Jesuit priests cracking the bare butts of naughty students, even unicorns using Instapots. I’m sure Brett will find calendars he likes!”

A weight room is also under construction for Kavanaugh, managed by a mysterious man named ‘Tobin.’“Brett likes to pump iron,” Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch said. “I doubt he’ll ever out-press Ruth BG, she’s a beast, but if he works at it, who knows?”

There will also be a small chapel constructed. “Brett thinks it’s important we have a place where Justices can pray for the wisdom to keep the separation of church and state.”

Justice Kavanaugh’s new chambers feature portraits of Donald J. Trump, Jesus, and PLAYBOY Playmates from the 1980’s.

“There is a precedence for making slight adjustments for a new Justice,” Chief Justice Roberts said. “When Clarence Thomas joined the bench, a porn theatre was constructed for his private viewing pleasure.”

“That’s right,” Associate Justice Thomas said. “I even got a popcorn machine. And my boy Brett is more than welcome to join me for some special screenings. I got a library he won’t believe. And if he doesn’t want to drink cans of Coke for fear of pubic hairs, I understand. He can have one of his special kegs installed in my theater.”

Justice Sonia Sotomayor pouted as she listened to her fellow judges talking. “This place is such a boy’s club,” she whispered. “When I joined the Court, all I got was a stale pack of Lance’s Cheese and Peanut Butter Crackers. And that bastard Breyer ate most of those.”

Welcome Judge Kavanaugh! At long last, you’ve received your birthright.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

Thanks for reading.