SOUTH CAROLINA PASSES THE MOST RESTRICTIVE ABORTION LAW YET

South Carolina has entered the abortion law fanfare spreading across America. Today state lawmakers passed what many believe is the country's most restrictive abortion law.

"We aren't about to watch Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, Missouri, and Ohio get all the limelight," said state representative Tommy White. "We want to control the bodies of our baby carriers the best!"

White has written "The Protect Innocent Babies From Their Killer Mothers" Bill, and it was overwhelmingly approved by South Carolina legislators. The governor is expected to sign the bill tomorrow.

The law allows the state to imprison a woman once she is impregnated and contemplates abortion.

White said, "any woman who thinks about abortion is a pre-meditated murderer and belongs behind bars. These pregnant girls are carrying some man's precious seed, and they can't be killing the children we sire. No siree!"

Once behind bars, the women will be cared for until they give birth. This includes women who become pregnant as a result of incest or rape.

"God must have meant that girl to get pregnant for a reason, and she must carry the rapist's child to birth. Rapists have rights, too, you know. And if a woman gets pregnant from an act of incest, maybe she should have dressed more conservatively around the house. And besides, that incest baby's obviously coming from an act of love. It'd be criminal to hurt the child."

Opponents to the bill say White is "a misogynist pig".

"That's poppycock," the Travelers Rest native said. "We must love and respect women, even though Eve talked Adam into eating that apple and got us booted out of the Garden of Eden. We've been paying the price for her big mouth ever since,"

White thinks women have a higher purpose. "Women are baby containers," White said. "We can't just abandon them. But once the baby is born, all bets are off. She served her purpose."

After she delivers the baby, "she can choose to be a helpful mother or be discarded by society."

When asked if the state would take care of the infant, White bristled. "Absolutely not. We aren't about to be a welfare state. The little tyke needs to learn early on to pull its own self up by the baby booties-straps. This ain't no socialist state!"

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).