PREZ THREATENS HURRICANE DORIAN

Some people make idle threats and some people are as serious as a heart attack. Consider Donald J. Trump fatty, calcified plaque clogging all major arteries!

The president has been carefully watching weather updates on the progress of Hurricane Dorian, poised to build in strength and cause destruction wherever it hits.

“I’ll nip this thing in the bud,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “It’s very nasty. The only thing that can stop a hurricane is a nuclear storm. And I’ve got an arsenal of nuclear weapons second to none. The best nukes. Tremendous firepower. Dorian, don’t tempt me. You won’t win, believe me.”

The leader of the free world thinks the sudden hurricane is not a natural occurrence.

“This hurricane was manufactured by the squad and the socialist Democrats,” he said. “These liberals hate America and don’t want to see me make it great again, so they got big wind machines, huge machines, and started this hurricane to attack us. Well, it won’t work. No one is going to make me look bad. I’ll protect the country.”

Trump assured Americans that should Hurricane Dorian cause any damage they shouldn’t fear. 

“I have ordered FEMA to get me lots of paper towels. Many paper towels. Fantastic towels. Very absorbent. And I’ll be throwing them your way. Don’t worry.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).