Loeffler Says Pandemic "Offers Incredible Investment Opportunities"

Senator Kelly Loeffler of Georgia is a true blue capitalist, and because she is, she's smart enough to take advantage of a prime opportunity to make a buck.

On January 24, she participated in a private, all-senators meeting on the novel coronavirus.

"What I heard was was absolutely frightening," Sen. Loeffler told The Lint Screen. "I saw that this global COVID-19 pandemic was going to become a major crisis in the U.S., and presented incredible investing opportunities, so I took swift action."

She immediately got on her iPhone 11 Pro Max and called her husband her loving husband — Jeffrey Sprecher, the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange. She told him, "Honey, the shit is going to hit the fan with this pandemic! We need to help the country. Dump any stocks in our portfolio we might take a hit on, and scarf-up any stock you think will boom with the pandemic. This is a time of crisis, sweetie, we have to act and act fast!!!"

Because Sprecher loves America like his wife, he directed his portfolio minions to dump Exxon Mobil and Resideo Technologies stock and scoop up shares in Citrix, a teleworking software company, and a company that makes protective garments that are being used to fight the spread of COVID-19. 

"The stocks we bought have had tremendous appreciation during the pandemic scare," Sprecher said. "It's great being married to a woman who gets good intelligence before the general public."

"My husband and I are proud to support American business," Loeffler said. "And we are both proud of the terrific job President Trump is doing allowing the free market to survive and thrive in these troubling times. He has all 50 states and FEMA bidding on crucial equipment like ventilators, ensuring the prices will skyrocket. I can't think of anything more patriotic than that. I don't know if the president is getting a vig on those machines or not, I suspect he is if he's smart, but we've all got to make some money on this coronavirus opportunity."

The Georgia Peach then boarded her Gulfstream G500 private jet and departed for parts unknown.