FEDERAL EMPLOYEES REQUIRED TO STAY IN TRUMP PROPERTIES

Today President Donald J. Trump gave federal employees a bonus they never counted on–– luxury accommodations when they travel.

"I'm very concerned about the efficiency and productivity of our federal employees," Trump said in a press conference. "I hired a group of hospitality experts from the prestigious firm of ID&E*, and they ran a multi-million dollar study. What they discovered was incredibly disturbing. Our federal employees are not working up to their full potential because they become exhausted when they travel. And that inefficiency is costing American taxpayers billions of dollars every day. I won't stand for that!"

Trump signed an executive order dictating that all federal employees must stay at a Trump property when traveling on government business. The new policy is effective immediately.

"This is really the only sensible solution," the president said. "Trump properties know how to treat weary travelers so they rest completely. The sheets are six million thread count. Very comfortable sheets. You've never wet a sheet like this. The beds are plush, and the pillows are made exclusively from goose feathers plucked from geese that laid golden eggs. Pure luxury. And the food is incredibly delicious. You can get a slice of chocolate cake you can't believe. It's so good."

The president began drooling as his chief of staff Mick Mulvaney sopped it up with a towel.

Staying at the luxury accommodations will be more expensive than current government-approved properties, but Trump believes the return on investment will be enormous.

"Federal employees will be able to do so much more after they have a great night's sleep and $142 breakfast. I think people will be amazed at the results. It will probably add eighteen trillion dollars to the government's bottom line."

A reporter from The Lint Screen asked what happens to those employees traveling to cities that don't have a Trump property?

"We've thought about that so I'll answer your stupid question," the president said. "It's easy. The employee will stay at the closest Trump property and we'll fly them in and out of the city they have to work in. That's the only humane thing to do. I care about our federal employees very much."

You have to admire The Big Guy–– he not only has a big heart but a brain also!

*Ivanka, Don Jr., & Eric Hospitality Consultants

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).