DEADLY CARAVAN THREATENS USA; ONLY ONE MAN CAN SAVE US

The treacherous, ravaging “caravan” is making a beeline to the United States border at blinding speeds of two-to-four miles an hour, and it presents such an existential threat, Lady Liberty needs a change of underwear.

A mysterious patriot named John Miller called The Lint Screen offices to give the details.

“Listen, this caravan is like nothing anyone has ever seen before,” Miller said. “This is worse than ISIS, the Nazis, Japanese bombing Pearl Harbor, The Sharks from West Side Story, and the Huns combined. It’s horrible and very dangerous.”

This reporter asked Mr. Miller if anyone had ever commented that his voice sounded just like Donald J. Trump.

“Thank you very much,” Miller said. “That’s quite a compliment being compared to the greatest president in history. But no, no one has ever said that to me. My name is John Miller, and I am a very knowledgeable guy who loves his country.”

Miller explained the danger the caravan poses for the USA. “The fake news is underreporting the size. Just like they lied about the size of Trump’s inauguration crowd. The caravan has over 100,000 people. Many of the people are Middle Eastern terrorists, MS-13 gang members, flesh-eating zombies, rapists, thugs with nuclear bombs, and babies with their mouths filled with poison that will kill you when you burp them. There are people infected with chicken pox, syphilis, the bubonic plague–– you name it. Some even have runny noses. There’s a lot of very bad people. Bad hombres, I call them. When they invade, it will be disastrous!”

Miller said there is only one hope for the country’s salvation.

“People need to vote for GOP candidates,” Miller said. “The GOP will support President Trump in fighting the caravan. Trump is dispatching 15,000 troops to protect us from this deadly caravan. If the Democrats get in office, they’ll be sending engraved invitations to terrorists and open up our borders. Then they’ll raise taxes, make the deficit bigger, stop coverage for pre-existing conditions, and kill all babies and all white people. That’s their plan. Nancy Pelosi and Crooked Hillary hate America and want to destroy it.”

The excitable man took a deep breath and continued.

“Look, it’s simple. On Tuesday vote for the GOP and keep America safe. Trump has a very large middle-class tax cut, a tremendous plan for healthcare–– better coverage and absolutely free–– plus, there will be a brand new car and a coconut cream pie for every GOP vote.”

Vote Tuesday. Who doesn’t like coconut cream pie?

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).