10 Rules to Determine Whether Any Relationship Will Steal Your Happiness
An edited version published originally on the Thought Catalog 4/21/17
I firmly believe that happiness in life is most affected by the quality of our relationships. We all have a variety of relationships like the ones with casual acquaintances, friends, co-workers, business partners, family, romantic interests, and significant others. Essentially every day we are on the earth we interact with the people in our lives. So, if you want to have a happy life, the question that you should be asking yourself often, is whether any relationship you have is good for you.
Having been married twice and divorced twice and having found myself in very unhappy places, I have given much thought about my relationship with potential significant others. I have become much more deliberate and thoughtful about who I date and how I view them. But I have discovered that to really find happiness, I had to apply those same principles to all the other relationships in my life.
When I did that, I realized that I still had many other relationships that weren’t good for me. They were robbing me of my time, energy, money, happiness and they were bringing me down. Some were even negatively affecting my reputation. Additionally, there was an opportunity cost to having relationships that were bad for me – they took away time and energy from relationships that I could benefit from.
While I considered the solitude and peace that comes with becoming a Tibetan monk, I instead decided to use the following 10 rules to eliminate those “bad” people from my life.
You Should End Any Relationship with a Person Who:
- Causes you pain more than 3 times in a month: 3 is not set in stone and you can put any low number in there you want but even a person who treats you well 95% of the time is treating you badly 5% of the time. Stop making excuses to yourself for someone’s bad treatment of you by reminding yourself of the times they treated you well. No one deserves bad treatment and there’s no justifying it.
- Isn’t adding to your life in some positive way: Yes, these people can be ok to be around. But when you are around someone who is just there or only takes, you are not growing and putting yourself in a better place. And you are giving time and energy that could be spent on a better relationship. Every relationship you are in, should provide some benefit to you too.
- Shows they don’t care for you: We all have had these kinds of people in our lives. It’s most hurtful when they are a close friend, romantic interest or spouse. But it also can happen with the coworker who you have helped repeatedly and when you need them, there is a deafening and hurtful silence. Caring is an easy thing for good people to do consistently. Once someone shows you even once they don’t care for you, it might be time to push them away.
- Are negative or bring you down when you are up: We all know people like this this. These are the people who find sunshine depressing. They complain they must pay taxes when they win the lottery. These are the same people who when you prepare a special surprise for them and then act unhappy and spoil it for you – making you work harder. This is a selfish and small-minded person. If someone finds ways to be unhappy frequently when they should be happy, time to say adios.
- Takers: There are takers and givers in this world. These people put themselves in a position of being able to take from you, but frequently fail to help when they are obligated to do so based on their relationship with you. The takers always find their way into the lives of givers and the givers keep giving to them – even when the takers never give. You are supposed to give because it’s the way we show we care. That’s great. But we are human and we all need help sometimes. These people will disappoint you and hurt you just when you need them most. This is the co-worker who you take their shifts time after time and when you have an emergency they will be conveniently unavailable. And they will take credit for your work while you are out. This is the significant other who you make a special birthday for but forgets yours or does the bare minimum.
- You don’t like them: How many people have we had relationships that we just don’t like or we dislike many things that they do? Sometimes we even fall in love with them. We let our monetary needs, feelings, physical attraction, sex and other needs allow these people around us. But people you don’t like just drain your happiness and degrade your outlook on life. You should like every person who is close to you.
- They can’t take needed advice: They don’t listen to you when you give them advice or follow your instructions and then screw up and then come back to you for help to fix it. This kind of person will continually make bad decisions in their life and will take you with them. They are frustrating people to be around and if they are a close relationship, not only will this cause you frequent pain, their unwillingness to listen to valuable advice can cause you damage. If you discuss this negative quality with them and you still can’t get them to listen, time to cut and run.
- They act immorally: This is not necessarily about religious morality. Every human is built with a sense of what is right or wrong. The biggest red flag for any kind of relationship is someone violates your moral code. When this happens, you should immediately let them know and if they do it again, immediately say goodbye. It means they don’t have the same values as you, they don’t care what you believe in and can ruin your reputation – or worse.
- They treat other people poorly: This is a simple rule. If they treat strangers, friends, coworkers, family, or any human being badly, that treatment will come your way sooner or later. Best to push them out of your life sooner.
- You don’t feel good around them: When you are with them or interact with them you don’t feel good 99% of the time. In fact, when you make 1 through 9 above habit, your senses will take over. Then, when you are with someone, you’ll get that gut-feeling of whether you feel good around them. This applies to every kind of relationship. Just think about being with someone. Does that thought make you feel good? If it doesn’t, most likely they have broken one of the rules above and it’s time to say good bye.
This may sound like an extensive list and it may seem hard to find people that don’t violate any of these principles – and that’s because it is hard. It’s also hard to follow through when you discover someone in your life has done one or more of these things to you. But until you do, happiness will be elusive for you.
Read these rules, make them a habit. After all, don’t you want to be happy?
"
Articles from Matt Sweetwood
View blogOriginally Published on Huffpost Business 5/27/2016 · Let’s say you are applying for a new job. You ...
If you do not have a powerful and visible personal brand you are putting yourself at a disadvantage ...
Instagram has undergone dramatic changes in the way it operates recently. On the positive side, you ...
Related professionals
You may be interested in these jobs
-
Payroll Supervisor
3 days ago
Denali Universal Services Anchorage, United StatesThe Payroll Supervisor will oversee and supervise the company's payroll functions, ensuring pay is processed on time, accurately, and in accordance with government regulations. REQUIRED QUALIFICATIONS Bachelor's degree in Accounting, Business Adminis Payroll, Supervisor, Processi ...
-
Construction Laborer
2 days ago
Cianelli Construction Abingdon, United StatesJob Description · Job DescriptionCianelli Construction is seeking qualified Skilled Laborers to join our team. · Ideal applicants must be comfortable working in and around water,and have at least two years of experience working in construction. · Essential duties: · Will work in ...
-
ambulatory nurse ii- derm clinic
1 day ago
Penn Medicine , PA, United States**Description** · Penn Medicine is dedicated to our tripartite mission of providing the highest level of care to patients, conducting innovative research, and educating future leaders in the field of medicine. Working for this leading academic medical center means collaboration w ...
Comments
Louise Smith
6 years ago #32
Louise Smith
6 years ago #31
Louise Smith
6 years ago #30
Louise Smith
6 years ago #29
Because they consciously or unconsciously know the giver is the better person. They feel self shame and guilt unless they are complete narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths or politicians ( also could be your boss). They think that most people are ultimately takers and even though the giver would prob never do this, the takers expect to get the same treatment from the givers down the track. As a derivative of fight or flight, attack is the best form of defence, that is what they do to the giver immediately in small doses or they wait and pick the big moment that is important to the giver and whamo they strike!
Louise Smith
6 years ago #28
or an ECG
Louise Smith
6 years ago #27
I like yours better.
Louise Smith
6 years ago #26
Ask Dr Wh0
Maria Merino
7 years ago #25
Ali Anani
7 years ago #24
Devesh 🐝 Bhatt
7 years ago #23
stephan metral 🐝 Innovative Brand Ambassador
7 years ago #22
stephan metral 🐝 Innovative Brand Ambassador
7 years ago #21
haaaaa paul.....its not an app...i thinks its is called a...device? what is a device? As its name itself explain it, it retrieve the vice, de-vice....lol....same purpose apps devices, just get rid of hyena people!!!
David B. Grinberg
7 years ago #20
Matt Sweetwood
7 years ago #19
"I truly believe the most important relationship of all, is the one you have with yourself." Agree and that's whole other article...
Matt Sweetwood
7 years ago #18
"10 Commandments" I wish I had thought of that.. it would have made the title sizzle!
Harvey Lloyd
7 years ago #17
Without the risk we have met a relationship that will not carry us anywhere. One of the attributes of BeBee is the fact that relationships are challenging. I am exposed with each comment to risk that sharpens my thoughts. You are one of those relationships. Thanks Sara Jacobovici
Sara Jacobovici
7 years ago #16
Risk is an Important point to include in the discussion of relationships Harvey Lloyd. Well said.
Mamen 🐝 Delgado
7 years ago #15
Harvey Lloyd
7 years ago #14
stephan metral 🐝 Innovative Brand Ambassador
7 years ago #13
Sara Jacobovici
7 years ago #12
#12 Looks like "great minds think alike". And only 2 minutes apart.
Sara Jacobovici
7 years ago #11
Thanks for the tag Matt \ud83d\udc1d Sweetwood. I agree, "I firmly believe that happiness in life is most affected by the quality of our relationships." But neither happiness and/or relationships, as your list reflects, are either simple or straightforward. Have you heard others, or even yourself, say, I should have known better than to; have trusted that individual, have invested all that time/money/effort in that relationship, thought it could work out......"Knowing", when it has to do with relationships, is never enough. This comment box is not the place to "analyze" our very human behaviours but I will highlight two factors that make this such a complex topic. One, all relationships are "attached" to the first ones we had (or didn't have) from the start. One question we can ask ourselves from this point of view, if we find ourselves in a relationship in which we are not happy, is; what am I hoping will turn out different "this time"? And two, all relationships serve a purpose. So in the case of finding ourselves in a bad relationship, it is important to stop and ask ourselves; what am I getting out of this, what message is being reinforced, what am I avoiding by continuing to stay in this relationship? Hard work, but definitely worth the effort. To paraphrase your concluding question, after all, don't we all want to be happy?
CityVP Manjit
7 years ago #10
Yes I know Facebook is not perfect, but stick with it.
CityVP Manjit
7 years ago #9
Look, I know Facebook is not perfect, but stick with it.
Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.
7 years ago #8
Jan 🐝 Barbosa
7 years ago #7
Matt Sweetwood
7 years ago #6
Matt Sweetwood
7 years ago #5
Matt Sweetwood
7 years ago #4
Matt Sweetwood
7 years ago #3
Matt Sweetwood
7 years ago #2
Be Thankful. That makes your decision making quicker. Drop them like a hot potato.
Javier Cámara-Rica 🐝🇪🇸
7 years ago #1