Wells Fargo’s Stumpf Sentenced to Time With Warren

Aw, poor baby–– 41 million could buy a lot of ba-bas!

But gird your loins, mister big shot, because federal judge Judy Jay also sentenced the top turd to three days confinement in the vault of Wells Fargo’s downtown San Francisco branch, with Sen. Elizabeth Warren as his cellmate.

“I think Mr. Strumpf could use a good talking to,” Judge Judy told The Lint Screen, “and I think Elizabeth is just the person to make him her bitch.”

When he was told his harsh sentence, Strumpf screamed and pounded his bandaged hand against the desk. “No, no, please–– anything but that! That woman’s crazy! Can’t I just do life at Alcatraz? Send me to Gitmo, waterboard me with Drano, anything but Warren!”

Judge Judy smiled and nodded to the attending police officers. “Take him away, boys, I hate to see little babies cry.”

Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of Ames Scullin O'Haire Advertising (ASO), and has created campaigns helping Georgia Aquarium, The Coca-Cola Co., UPS, Golf Pride Golf Grips, Mitsubishi Electric, Delhaize America, Georgia Natural Gas, Mellow Mushroom and more.

He has two blogs:  Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire,  smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).