VIGILANTES EXCITED TO ENFORCE NEW TEXAS ABORTION LAW

In the old west, the marshal would round up a posse to chase and track down dirty no-good varmints who broke the law. In Texas, the same thing happens as bounty hunters and vigilantes begin tracking down pregnant women seeking an abortion.

“Gov. Greg Abbott and the Texas Republican legislature have called open season on ladies,” an excited Hank “Tex” Crayton tells The Lint Screen. “They’re offering $10,000 a head on fillies trying to abort their babies. When I heard of the big reward, boy howdy, I was thrilled. I quit my job at the 7-Eleven and am now pursuing a new career hunting pregnant ladies. It makes me feel right proud knowing I am helping bring unwanted kids into this world.”

Tex says he thinks the competition will be fierce for ratting out women seeking abortions.

“I suspect there’s a lot of folks like me,” he says. “Patriots who want to make sure women don’t do the wrong thing and get a $10,000 jackpot.”

Pete Rexrod is another excited Texas bounty hunter.

“I live in a huge apartment complex, so it’s going to be like shooting fish in a barrel,” he says. “I’m keeping tabs on all the ladies who have men visitors because I read that men got seeds in their wieners, and they plant those seeds in women, and that’s where babies come from. The whole story about storks delivering babies is a liberal lie to mislead the public. Anyway, those girls with lots of male visitors are high on my suspect list. And once I catch a lady looking for an abortion, I’ll be ten grand richer.”

Not everyone is excited about the new law.

“It’s creepy as hell,” says Cindy Hesserman, a 28-year-old divorcee. “I’ve got all these weird guys following me like I’m some leprechaun who’s going to lead them to a pot full of gold at the end of the rainbow. I’m afraid they will give me COVID. They don’t wear masks or get vaccines because they want to exercise their freedom. But they want to rob me of my Constitutional right. Thanks, Gov. Abbott, you colossal horse’s ass. Mind you own damn business!”

Those are wise words, Cindy. Good luck with that.

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