Trump to Publish “The Art of The Marriage”

Michael Wolff’s breathless tell-all book Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House has rocketed to the top of the bestseller list, but President Donald J. Trump is not retreating from the controversies detailed in it. Instead, he’s sharing his wisdom.

Random House announced it will soon be publishing a book penned by the president and Roger A. Reallygoodwriter titled The Art of The Marriage.

“The president believes there’s too much fake news out there,” an unnamed White House source told The Lint Screen. “He was outraged Wolff’s book became so popular, and he thinks the author should be executed on live television — ‘It will get great ratings,’ he said. He demanded Attorney General Sessions have Wolff killed, but Sessions told him he couldn’t legally do that. Trump was livid, stormed into his bedroom, and slammed the door shut.”

The insider said three days later, the president announced he had written a book for men on how to have a happy marriage.

“No one knows women better than I do,” Trump told his staff, “and for the good of America, I’m going to share my marriage secrets. And trust me, they’re tremendous. Incredible advice. The book will be so popular. Very popular. Amazingly popular. A bestseller — much, much bigger and better than Wolff’s book. And I think Elania will be proud of me. It’s important that a wife is proud of her husband. And Elania is always very proud of me because I’m a very stable genius.”

Sarah Huckabee Sanders reminded the president that his wife’s name was “Melania” not “Elania.” He snapped, “I knew that.”

Although no one has seen the manuscript, some of the chapter titles have been leaked to TLS:
- SHE IS ONE LUCKY LADY, LET ME TELL YOU
- HOLDING HANDS IS OVERRATED
- SEPARATE BEDROOMS GIVE YOU BOTH EXTRA SPACE
- YOUR SEX IS GOING TO BE GREAT — TREMENDOUS SEX, BELIEVE ME
- HOW TO TELL HER SHE’S WRONG
- EXPLAINING THAT YOUR AFFAIRS ARE JUST PRACTICE
- FLOWERS AND LACY THINGS CURE EVERYTHING
- TELLING HER TO STAND BY YOUR MAN — ALWAYS!
- HOW TO BE THE WORLD’S MOST HUMBLE PERSON
-POINTING OUT HER MISTAKES
-TRUST IS EVERYTHING
-HOW TO TELL IF SHE’S CHEATING ON YOU

There has been no official word on the publication date.

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of ASO Advertising.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements)

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