Trump Hires 007's Q To Create Weapons For Battling Protesters

If it wasn't for the genius of Q, James Bond would have been dead back when he was a strapping young Sean Connery.

Q is the code name for M16's (British Secret Intelligence Service) top inventor of devious weaponry. And President Donald J. Trump has long been a fan of his work.

"I love the guy," Trump tells The Lint Screen. "Q is the best. Tremendous talent. For James Bond, he invented a sportscar tailpipe that's a machine gun! And another pipe that makes smoke screens. He even created a pen that fires bullets. I want one of those pens. Black ink. Black ink matters. It's bold. Trump bold."

The president also likes that Q's name is part of QAnon.

"There's a lot of good people in QAnon. And they really like me," Trump beams.

The president was so impressed with Q's handiwork for 007, that he brought the mastermind out of retirement and has him developing weaponry for use against American citizens who dare to protest.

"These ungrateful bastards don't appreciate all I've done to make America great again," the prez says.

"The protesters, anarchists, and Antifa punks are out to destroy democracy," Attorney General Bill Barr chimes in. "They are revolutionaries and must be stopped. With the president's outstanding leadership and Q's inventions, we'll be able to stop the rabble-rousers in their tracks."

Q developed the Active Denial System (ADS), a heat ray device that makes targets feel as if their skin is on fire.

"We weren't able to secure it for our Lafayette Park photo op," the president says. "I would have loved to scorch some scum, but Q had the device in the shop for a tune-up. We had to use traditional stuff like rubber bullets, tear gas, pepper balls, clubs, and opening cans of whoop-ass. Those traitors are lucky we didn't have the hell-ray. I wanted to use flame throwers instead, but the P.R. hacks said it'd be bad optics. They always kill my best ideas."

But the president had the protesters cleared from Lafayette Park, and he got his photo of himself holding a Bible upside down wearing a stern, authoritative expression.

"The Jesus crowd loves that kind of crap," the nation's leader said. "The religious rubes eat it up." He leans forward and confides that Q is working on some new weapons for "putting those dirty Biden radicals in their place." Bill Barr gets excited, his chubby cheeks quiver in delight.

"That's right, Boss," the tubby little cretin yelps. "Q is working on face masks laced with Novichok for protestors. We'll distribute them at all gatherings."

"That's good. I like it," Trump smiles. "Liberals love wearing face masks. Billy, send Vladimir a thank you note for the Novichok. That guy's the best."

"Roger, skip! Q is also working on a bazooka that shoots razor blades," Barr says, getting manic. "Followed by a spray of vinegar and salt bombs."

"That's gotta hurt," Trump chuckles. "How are we doing with building the prison camps to round up enemies of the state after my re-election?"

"Right on schedule, boss," the chubby bootlicker says. "We'll jail anyone who is not with us."

"Good," Trump says folding his arms. "I want the traitors tortured, too."

"Absolutely," Barr says rubbing his ham-like hands together in glee. "Whatever you say."

"Damn right. I'm the law and order president!"

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