TRUMP ANNOUNCES MAJOR OFFENSIVE AGAINST CORONAVIRUS

Some leaders wait for dangers to strike before they take action, and some plan a move ahead and make smart preparations.

President Donald Trump is like a master chessplayer–– always thinking one, two, even eighty-eight moves ahead!

He is not waiting for the coronavirus to officially become a dangerous pandemic, so he has dispatched the center of the universe to go to work for America.

"When the weather warms up, the coronavirus will be destroyed," the president told The Lint Screen. "But spring is taking too long to get here. It's Schumer, Schiff, Pelosi and those damn Democrats who want to prolong winter and encourage the coronavirus to kill Americans. I won't allow it!"

To that end, Trump has commanded the sun to heat things up.

"Warmer temperatures destroy viruses," he said. "So I want to turn up the heat. The sun is like a huge sunlamp in the sky, and best of all, it's free."

Trump is an expert on solar matters. "When the sun plays peek-a-boo, we call it an eclipse. Most people don't know that," he said as he puffed his chest like a banty rooster who'd been awarded the blue ribbon at the county fair. "Eclipse," he repeated.

The president says he is also an expert on viruses.

"They like cold weather because people are inside," he said. "The virus can get indoors and attack. Viruses like to Netflix and chill like anyone else. But when the weather gets warm, people go outdoors and that fools the virus. So it dies."

Trump believes there is no need for a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or National Institutes of Health. He plans to eliminate the agencies.

"Those organizations are Democratic slush funds for science, and let me tell you, science isn't going to help people in a time like this. The sun will do the job. Don't worry, America, I'll take care of you. Believe me."

Trump smiled and gave two thumbs up from inside his oxygen bubble.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).