SENIOR TRUMP OFFICIAL CLAIMS KAVANAUGH PROTESTERS ARE “PAID STOOGES”

If you believe some people do not think Brett Kavanaugh is a dream Supreme Court Justice, dream again, silly goose!

A senior Trump administration official claims the alleged protesters against Kavanaugh are on the payroll of evil liberal kingpin George Soros.

“Don’t be duped, morons,” Stevie Granger, senior counsel to the president told The Lint Screen. “Every poll ever taken proves President Trump has an enthusiastic approval rating of between 98% and 100%. He received over 99% of the popular vote and won the entire electoral college. Trump had the largest inaugural crowd on record. People love our president, make no mistake about that. Yet, if you turn on the TV, you’ll see people protesting Kavanaugh or a decision our incredible leader has made to help make America great again. Who are these people protesting? I’ll tell you — they’re paid stooges of Soros, that’s who! I wouldn’t be surprised if Soros wasn’t behind Mueller’s witch hunt. The man is Satan!”

When asked to point to the Trump approval polling he cited, Granger bristled. “I don’t have to prove anything here, and I won’t buckle to your socialist liberal mob mentality agenda of a fact-based reality.” Granger repeatedly slapped this reporter in the head for emphasis.

“Watch Fox News and learn something. Fox and Friends speak the total truth. Hannity knows the real score about enemies of the state. President Trump is incredibly popular, and this so-called resistance is a sham. A hoax. A complete con job masterminded by the Clintons.”

This reporter asked if there were any people legitimately opposed to Kavanaugh. “None. Not a one,” Granger said. “Men love him. Women adore him — chicks dig guys who like beer. And innocent children pray for him. We’re truly blessed to have Brett Kavanaugh on the bench. It’s like God put him there to save us!” Granger shouted, peppering this reporter’s face with spittle (he had had ranch dressing for lunch, maybe creamy Italian). The Trumper regained his calm composure.

“It’s obvious those protesters are paid actors,” Granger said. He pointed to the picture of protesters.”Look at these signs — there’s not one misspelled word. Not one! There’s proper grammar. Grammar, for God’s sake! Obviously, these signs are not made by real Americans. They are probably made in sweatshops in socialist countries. And I’ll bet dollars to donuts these signs were paid for by Soros. Look at the expressions on the faces in this crowd — these people appear to be angry, upset, enraged. Why would anyone be angry about getting a fantastic judge like Kavanaugh? Get serious, those people are all paid actors. I suspect if you look close enough you’ll find George Clooney and Brad Pitt, maybe even Taylor Swift. It’s disgusting the crazed mob pack mentality of these liberals. They’re complete whack jobs.”

This reporter was about to ask another question when Granger raised his arm. “No more questions. They’re fake protesters. You’re fake news. Anything that is not pro-Trump is by definition fake!” He peppered this reporter with sharp kidney punches and slammed his head into the wall.

“Case closed, I’m tired of being a nice guy,” Granger said, as he exited.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

Thanks for reading.