Putin Praises Trump’s Performance

While America watched President Trump’s State of the Union address last night, Russian President Vladimir Putin had already given his view of the United States of America.

“Your country is so much better under Trump,” Putin told The Lint Screen. “He has proven himself to be a great leader. Very strong. He is truly making America great again,” the blue-eyed kingpin cooed.

“Trump was very wise to lift sanctions against Russia,” Putin continued. “A very smart move. There is no need to punish us for tampering with your election. That never happened. We believe in freedom of choice. Freedom and free speech are sacred to us. Reports of Russia tampering with American election is fake news. Trump should shut down the press, all of the press. There is no need for any news besides Fox News. Fox and Friends is a great news show! Trump should find the people who recommended Russian sanctions and imprison them. Or, better yet, execute them. They are traitors, and traitors must die.”

The Russian top dog is upset about the recent release of a list of 114 Russian politicians and 96 “oligarchs” who have flourished monetarily under Putin’s reign. “People have good fortune, they become rich. So what? Whoever released the list should pay the price. They might not feel so bold when their fingers are clipped one at a time, or, a hammer slams their knees, or, sulfuric acid is used as eye drops.”

Putin says his relationship with Trump is excellent. “We talk all the time. He calls me. I call him. We wait to see who will hang up first,” Putin chuckles. “Neither of us wants to disconnect! President Trump is a wonderful man. America is lucky to have him.”

Putin dispatched two aides to beat this reporter mercilessly and shove him out a window.

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of ASO Advertising.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).