Kanye And Rudy Speak Out

Kayne West and Rudy Giuliani recently came by The Lint Screen offices to speak on the record, pound on the editor’s desk and clarify some of the points they say “the fake lamestream media” has gotten wrong. Here is a transcript of what was said:

RG: I’ve been misquoted and I’m sick and tired of it.
KW: I feel ya. Same here. Punk press.
RG: I said the president did NOT use his campaign funds to keep the big yap of Stormy Danielsshut. Candidate Trump paid Michael Cohen out of his checking account for affairs, not his election checkbook. Had he paid for her silence with his election funds, that might be illegal if you’re splitting hairs. But his affair funds are earmarked for legitimate business expenses like silencing porn actresses you’ve accidentally had sex with. Case closed.
KW: Makes perfect sense. It was a business expense.
RG: And let’s face it, $130,000 is chump change. I mean, if he was really serious about keeping her quiet, pay some extra money and have her whacked. That’s a more permanent solution. Stiffs don’t talk.
KW: Right. And look, I NEVER said that slavery was a choice. That’s outrageous, and a complete misquote. I said slavery was something some black people selected as a hobby. These people just liked picking cotton under the crack of the whip and shotguns, with chains and no freedom. It was a thing to do back in the day. Some people were into that. No judgments here, it’s all cool. So slavery was not a choice, it was more like a challenging hobby. Something some folks did to pass the time.
RG: I get it, K-star.
KW: Don’t call me that, old man. I’ll take you down!
RG: Sorry. No disrespect meant. How about ‘Mr. West’ — is that good?
KW: Sure. Mr. West works.
RG: I think the media has it out for both of us, Mr. West because we support our great president.
KW: The media is all haters.
RG: Except Fox, they’re fair. Hard-hitting journalists like Hannity can be trusted to tell the truth.
KW: A hundred percent. And Fox and Friends are solid. Great reporters.
RG: And the fake media better not dare come after Ivanka.
KW: No way. Bad idea if they do.
RG: Ivanka’s totally off-limits. The woman’s a sexy saint.
KW: So fine.
RG: But Jared? Go on, have at him. Who cares? The guy’s scum. Worst piece of crap ever. Flush him.
KW: Totally.
RG: Lock him up! Lock him up!
KW: Put him in the cell next to Hillary.
RG: What about her emails? Where’s Comey on that?
KW: Yeah. He’s a sleazeball and a liar.
RG: Just don’t touch Ivanka.
KW: No one touches Ivanka. Ever.
RG: The president is innocent of all wrongdoing.
KW: There’s no collusion.
RG: Absolutely. Russia? What’s Russia?
KW: Never heard of it.
RG: Exactly. It’s all a big witch hunt.
KW: And besides, communism is a choice.
RG: Right. If there was even such a place as Russia.
KW: But there isn’t. And no pee tape, either!
RG: No pee tape. None. Fake news. And remember, everything I say is probably wrong. I’m new to the Trump legal team so if I say something stupid and the president denies it later, take his word, not mine.
KW: You’re an idiot, and he knows that.
RG: That right, Kanye, I mean, Mr. West. Donald Trump knows everything, he’s the one making America great again.
KW: Hey, he had the biggest inauguration ever.
RG: And he’s best buds with Putin.
KW: Trump is just like Lincoln but without the beard…
RG: Beards itch.
KW: Kim won’t let me grow one. She says they hurt her skin. Too scratchy.
RG: Have you tried paying her money to keep her quiet?
KW: What’d you say?
RG: Nothing, Mr. West. And here’s another thing the fake media got wrong…

The men continued jabbering for the next six hours. The editor locked the door and went home.

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PD Scullin is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to be a full-time Writing Fool.

He has two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).