GOP CANDIDATES WANT TO ARM CHILDREN “FOR THEIR PROTECTION”

                                                                                    “You want to teach me CRT? Well, do you, punk?”

With the midterm elections approaching, the Republican Party has been adamant about not standing for anything other than the cult worship of disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump, but that is changing. Now many candidates are proposing initiatives to arm all school-age children “with sufficient firepower to protect themselves from the Satanic evils of this world.”

“We got young uns thrust into cesspools of liberal elite teachers who hate God and eat infants,” says Tennessee Congressional Candidate Randy Pearling. “I don’t want our kids exposed to horrible things like critical race theory or American history that mentions slavery. That kind of stuff could make them feel awfully bad about themselves. That’s not going to stand if I’m elected.”

Pearling is advocating issuing Sig P365 subcompact handguns to all children. 

“I’ve done a lot of weapons research,” Pearling tells The Lint Screen, “And I think the Sig P365 is the cream of the crop. It holds 10+1 9mm rounds, and its small size will fit comfortably in tiny hands that could be sticky from handling a PBJ at lunch. The Sig doesn’t have much recoil so that the small fries can discharge their weapons freely.” Pearling hikes up his pants and continues.

“If each of ’em has a Sig P365 in their backpack or their side holster, they’ll be ready to act fast if anyone starts thinking about a school shooting. I’ve always said the only thing that’ll take out a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. And our kiddos are all good guys, even if they’re gals.” 

Louisiana Congressional candidate Wendy Tempest also supports arming school children. “In my opinion,” she says, “we can’t teach our children about the importance of the right to bear arms soon enough. And I won’t stand for our precious little babes to get exposed to liberal shenanigans like teaching sex education, CRT, Black History, or the theory of evolution. They need to learn to stand up for their freedom and the Second Amendment. We can’t have our educators polluting their young minds, and if our kids are packing, by gumbo, they won’t!”

But Ohio Congressional candidate Roger Blackstone wants even more extreme measures. “Giving kids small handguns is all well and good,” he says, “but I think they need something with a bit more firepower. Since most school shooters are bringing AR-15s, I think every kid should get an AR-15. If it’s good enough for Kyle Rittenhouse, it’s good enough for our children. The standard AR-15 magazine has 30-rounds, but you can outfit them with after-market mags up to 100-rounds. When every child has that kind of muscle at their side, we won’t have any disruptions in our schools.”

Blackstone shakes his head. “Of course, if we do happen to have some problems, we’ll teach our kids about the power of thoughts and prayers.“

That sounds like a solid platform.

————————————————————————

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.