Considerations: How They Rob You of The Aliveness in Your Relationships...
You have something you want to tell your spouse or partner.
It’s something you’ve been mulling over in your mind to talk with them about.
But you have some considerations.
Consider is from consīderāre, meaning "to observe, think about."
So, you observe the situation with your partner and think about:
- How you’re going to approach them.
- Their reaction or response.
- Whether it’s better to not say anything at all.
These are just a few of your considerations.
But notice that your considerations are in fact senior to and monitor your ability to just communicate.
Jim: “Something on your mind, babe?”
Lynne: “No...no...I’m fine.”
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
If we examine your considerations closely, we find they are not just your observations and thoughts.
They are often in truth your conclusions.
From: Latin concludere, from con- ‘completely’ + claudere ‘to shut’.
When you con-clude you are completely shutting off whatever idea or thought you had prior to making your con-clusion.
Lynne has something she’s been wanting to discuss with her husband Jim. She observes and thinks about it but has several considerations about what Jim will say, will he truly understand her, will they get into an argument, etc.
Lynne’s considerations morphed into a conclusion.
She con- ‘completely’ + claudere ‘to shut’ off the idea of communicating with Jim.
So, Lynne goes about her evening with this consideration in her head.
Could be for a day, an entire weekend, or for weeks.
Consider and Conclude are Twins:
The apparency out in the world is couples need to communicate more.
That couples just need to “sit down and talk more.”
This is just some kind of 21st Century feel-good meme that has been pawned-off on couples who inherently know they should sit down and talk but don’t.
Jim and Lynne don’t have a problem with communication.
They don’t communicate because they have considerations.
And those considerations have morphed into conclusions.
As they both eat dinner together, they have turned over their real life, I want-to-talk-to-you-about-our-non-existent-sex-life-into their self-created twins of Consider and Conclude.
They don’t talk about the real stuff.
Now, if you don’t talk about the real stuff---the stuff you have mounting up in your mind---then what is important in your relationship is held hostage by each of your considerations.
“Lynne would probably blow a gasket if I asked her about trying something new.”
Consideration. Conclusion. No Communication.
Bing. Bang. Boom.
Once you have considerations about what you should say or not say to your partner, you have in essence roped off part of your own heart and soul to your mate. There is now this yellow FBI tape all around the area that you consider off-limits.
The crazy thing is I’ve found the couples I work with no matter what problems they have, are each still fairly telepathic about their partner.
“Jim says it’s stuff at work. I know it’s not that.”
“Lynne says everything’s fine when I know it’s not.”
In truth, couples are creating an almost relationship that each has knowingly abdicated their own power of choice to:
The Totalitarian Twins: Consider and Conclude.
It’s the cold hard truth.
The twins of Consider and Conclude have snuck on-board their relationship and have completely hijacked the fun loving, intimate, and dynamic relationship it once was.
It’s really a lie that couples cannot communicate.
How did you first get together, Morse Code?
What, you learned about "afternoon quickies" by watching a YouTube video?
Dethroning the Twins:
You do not have a communication problem.
Okay, it’s kind of like getting out of bed on a cold morning. You just want to stay warmer a bit longer.
Your considerations are like this warm comforter. If you get out of your comfort zone and communicate, you might just get hit with an icy stare and a blizzard of cold indifference the whole weekend.
So, you conclude that it’s safer if you don’t say, right?
If you want to have an almost relationship, nurture your Totalitarian Twins.
If you want your relationship to be alive----and by alive, I mean free from considerations and getting real with your mate, then you need to do two simple things:
1. Step back and look at the considerations that sit between you and the person you love.
Your considerations were constructed by you.
Some are works of art. Some are pure genius. But all of them---and I mean all of them---are constructed by you so you do not have to confront the live reaction or response from this person you’re creating a life with.
Your considerations are erected to keep you from experiencing Life and the feedback loop from Life and your partner.
Live reactions and emotions are sometimes off the charts. Fixed ideas thrown back in your face. Your partner making you wrong.
Like picking up a friend’s friendly cat to pet it, in one blinding moment her razor-sharp claws take a violent swipe across your face.
You now have a consideration about petting cats.
Be honest. You have built similar considerations about your mate.
2. Sit down with your partner and tell them this: “Jim, I want to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind but before I do, I want to ask you a question.”
Jim’s interest will go up.
“Do you sometimes have thoughts or considerations about something you want to say to me, but you don’t because of how I might react?”
Bing. Bang. Boom.
By taking this route you have consulted their own intelligence as to whether they have considerations that keep them from communicating. Jim might take half a second to answer but if he’s honest, he’ll say, “Sure. Yes...I believe I do.”
And if you’re bold you can offer one by saying, “Look, I know for example you’d like more sex during the week, but you find it hard to tell me because maybe I’m too tired or I get irritated, right?
Bing. Bang. Boom.
Jim’s own considerations have been skillfully and lovingly addressed as a runway for Lynne’s moment for her to express her own considerations.
If you’re Jim, you’re like, “What is happening here?” You have been pleasantly relieved of your Sentry Duty over your own Totalitarian Twins. Your wife has lovingly exposed your considerations without making you wrong.
And Jim might take thirty seconds while looking at his wife wondering what the hell is going on, but he’s free to say:
“Well...yes...you’ve hit the nail on the head, babe.”
“So, honey, I have some considerations too. I have held onto them and not said anything for fear of what you might say. And these considerations we have, well, they’re destroying our relationship. If we both have considerations about saying what we are truly thinking and don’t say, well, our sex life or the fun we use to have together will never get better.”
Jim’s looking at his wife and thinking “What kind of creature of the night snuck into my wife’s soul and became this woman I fell in love with with such a caring heart?”
It was not a creature of the night.
It was Lynne grabbing back the very heartbeat of their relationship by dismissing Consider and Conclude that were sucking the life out of a great relationship.
It is a moment of truth where each individual must step back and look at how far downstream their relationship has gone and when it turns into an almost relationship, banish the Twins from the Kingdom.
If you understand your partner is paralyzed with the same self-created considerations and fears you have, then you have just granted beingness to your partner when they felt you were about to take away more of their beingness by “having another talk.”
No. You do not need "another talk." Your partner (and you) will just brace yourselves against your own steel-hardened considerations if you don’t have a runway.
In your own unique way, you need to let your partner know you have some considerations about even communicating to them and you’d like a chance to just say some of your considerations without being judged.
By getting them to admit they have considerations too, you open the door to something you both want.
The freedom to communicate freely with one another.
Bing. Bang. Boom.
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