BILL BARR SWEARS TO TELL THE TRUTH, HILARITY ENSUES

President Trump’s attorney, Bill Barr, is slaying crowds in Washington, D.C. with his madcap humor and hijinks.

The Attorney General told the U.S. Senate yesterday that he “swears to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God.”

After taking a long beat, he delivered his kicker–– “Oh, by the way, did I mention I’m an atheist?”

Senator Lindsey Graham giggled as he withdrew a laced fan and began fanning his face. “Oh, you mischievous scamp! You are incorrigible; I do declare!”

But the arbiter of justice was just warming up.

When asked if he thought any one man was above the law. Barr replied, “Absolutely not, unless his name is Donald Trump and I am the law. Then, all bets are off, baby!”

Barr smiled rakishly then delivered his topper–– “I’m like a limbo dance contest–– a Barr that tests how low you can go!”

When asked if he thought Donald J. Trump tried to obstruct justice, Barr quipped, “Oh, no. I mean, no more than swallowing a couple bags of Quikrete might obstruct your colon a bit.”

“Oh, behave yourself, sir,” Sen. Graham swooned.

Barr was grilled if he thought it was fair to distill Muller’s 448-page report into his four-page summary.

“Hey,” Barr said, “I tried to get it on a fortune cookie fortune, but I guess I got verbose!” He then winked into the camera and blew a kiss.

The A.G. was asked which he felt was more important: working for the American people by upholding the Constitution or protecting President Trump?

“Well, the toilet paper at Mar-a-Lago is a helluva a lot softer than the Constitution… so I guess I gotta go with protecting Trump!“

After being repeatedly grilled by Democratic Senators, Barr leaped atop his table and began moonwalking.

“You can’t touch this, bitches,” he said as he wagged his buttocks at his interrogators.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).