Biden Campaign Works To Attract Young Voters

You might not think a 77-year-old guy would be hip to the happenings of America's youth, but you'd be wrong, daddy-O!

Presidential candidate Joe Biden has been cruising the country on his "No Malarkey" bus looking to attract voters of all ages–– especially the young 'uns.

"Gee whillikers," Biden tells The Lint Screen, "I don't want folks to have a cow or blow a gasket because I'm over 30." He laughs.

"You know, the hippie kids used to say 'Don't trust anyone over 30' in the 60s. Man, they were being crabby Appletons. I say, chill, dudes. Puff on a MaryJane reefer cigarette and kick up your heels. Dig my vibe. It's all hunky-dory."

Biden rides on his "No Malarkey" bus and pontificates on the state of the country.

"Consarn it all," the leading Democratic Party candidate declares, "Donald Trump is nothing but slapdash tomfoolery and jiggery-pokery. Why anyone who knows his onions knows most of the hot air coming out of his piehole is just pure balderdash and fiddle-faddle. I want people to know Joe stands for being a straight shooter. When I say no malarkey, I mean no tickety-boo or hijinks ever!"

The effervescent politician knows he has to do a better job of reaching younger voters.

"Kids these days are different, dagnabbit," Joe says, stroking his chin. "They can go to the picture show, play rock and roll on the HiFi, or plop in front of the 'ol Philco anytime. And now, with this world wide web thing on the computer machines, well, darn near anything is available any old time. That's a lot of competition for attention." Biden flashes his million-dollar smile and continues.

"But my Dad used to say to me; he'd say, 'Joe if you want to be successful in politics, you better have the gumption to do whatever it takes to make people believe you're the bee's knees. Roll up your sleeves, press the flesh, and let them know the cut of your jib. Because until someone thinks you're the cat's meow, brother, you've got your work cut out for you.'"

Biden gives a sad smile.

"I sure do miss my Pops," he says. "He spoke the truth as refreshing as putting your head in the Frigidaire icebox on a hot day."

Joe brightens up.

"Hey, Teddy," he shouts to the bus driver. "Let's 23 Skidoo and find some kids to rap with!"

And with that, the door closes, and the wheels of the bus go round and round.

Keep your peepers on the lookout for the No Malarkey tour.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).