BARR DECREES “MANDATORY” TRUMP APPRECIATION DAY FOR ALL AMERICANS

Attorney General Bill Barr is a man who believes in justice, and in his opinion, justice is not being served to President Donald J. Trump.

“It’s a disgrace,” Barr said as he walked into the offices of The Lint Screen at high noon with his light lunch of a six-foot Italian sub sandwich and a gallon of Barq’s Root Beer. “The president has done an incredible job with the pandemic, but many Americans aren’t giving him his due. I’m changing that.”

The pudgy legal beagle attacked his sub with extreme prejudice and washed down his massive cud with glugs and gulps of Barq’s.

“It’s my job to enforce justice, and I will do just that on behalf of our wonderful president who I love so much it hurts.” He pauses and appears uncomfortable. “I do love him–– but not in a gay way.”

Between rabid bites of his looooong sammie, Barr explained his plan.

“The president wants all Americans to get off their duffs and be back on the job on May first. That also happens to be Law Day. So I thought, let’s make it a triple header holiday and also declare it President Donald Trump Appreciation Day!“

Barr lets out a forty-second burp that smells of onions, salami, and sassafras. He continues with watery eyes.

“We will be demanding all Americans go into the streets at seven p.m. and begin banging pots and pans, applauding and cheering for our terrific president. It’s outrageous that people in many cities are doing cheers for healthcare workers every night but not for President Trump. Who do they think is keeping them safe by recommending Hydroxychloroquine? You won’t see the signature of medical workers on your $1200 check. You’ll see the president’s John Hancock on your check. Every American should be reciting the Pledge of Allegiance to Trump every morning.”

The A.G. attacks the last eighteen inches of his savory sub dripping olive oil and vinegar and washes it down his gullet with root beer.

“And anyone who does not obey my mandatory decree will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,” he says, wagging a greasy finger, then licking it clean. “I’ve talked to my crew at the Supreme Court, and they’re on board. If the libs want to fight, it’ll be a five-four defeat.” He chuckles. “Thank God for the Kav-man and Gorchie.”

When asked what the punishment was for disobeying his order to praise Trump, Barr laughed.

“Let’s just say if you don’t do it, you won’t have a country with a fantastic leader to hate anymore.” (Reading between the lines, one assumes the punishment will be deportation.)

Barr wipes his mouth and burps again. “Anyone who insults the president by not praising him will be executed.” He pantomimes, pulling the trigger of a gun.

He pushes his chair back, crumples his napkin, throws it in this reporter’s face, and says, “Take that, fake news!”

The attorney general wobbles out the door, like Penguin in Batman, looking for his next opponent.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).