An Open Letter To The Universe

Three months ago I lost my mom. Mom had late stage lung cancer and all the medical literature stated when diagnosed with late stage lung cancer (the type of cell she had) - a patient's lifespan was approximately 4-6 months with treatment. Mom never wanted to know if her cancer was terminal and she was never told. 

Mom began Chemotherapy within a week of her diagnosis. She also received high doses of steroids during her first round of chemo. Mom was very ill when diagnosed and wasn't even able to move off the couch. She was also dehydrated, so extra IV fluids were given as in-patient prior to her treatment. Once mom's treatment began we called her a hummingbird on crack! She had more energy than a toddler. We were utterly amazed and thankful. She had 3 wonderful months of energy, excitement, and her appetite increased. 

When summer ended we were told the cancer had spread to mom's brain. She opted to have radiation to the brain. She tolerated radiation fairly well with the exception of developing extreme taste aversion and fatigue. We were hoping it would wane but that wasn't the case.  Mom was still determined to go grocery shopping, do light cleaning, laundry and cook meals for my step-dad, even if it was just sticking a meal in the microwave. You see, my mom loved to cook so for her to be proud that she put a meal in the microwave for her husband was a major feat in her eyes.  Mom kept up with the bills and still insisted on having family functions at the home.  

After 2 rounds of chemo and 2 rounds of radiation,  my mom was still jetting around as if she had nothing wrong. This photo was taken in July of 2015 at my nephews Graduation Party. Every get-together and celebration our family held became that much more joyous knowing we still had our mom with us when the odds stated otherwise. Mom was the matriarch of the family and that did not change after her diagnosis. Her love for all of her children kept us united. Our deep love for our mother kept us united. I thought we spent a lot of quality time with our mom as a family before her diagnosis but her cancer drew us that much closer.  Most of us do not live in the same town my mom lived in but we managed to visit her every 2-4 weeks after her diagnosis. We did not want to miss a moment with our beautiful mom! As a family, we were with mom until the end and we were there for each other in many ways throughout this horrendous emotional roller coaster ride. 

There were many times in the 2.5 years mom faced a new challenge that was scary for us to watch, yet she dealt with it like an eagle soaring high above the clouds. I often wonder if her life was extended because she did not know she had terminal cancer or was it pure determination and love on her behalf that kept her going? Maybe her life was extended because it was a mix of both determination, and love. 

Grieving

No one can ever prepare for the loss of a loved one. We had 2.5 years and thought we had gone through enough scenarios in our minds and that somehow we would be a bit better prepared. At first, I believe we were all in shock. I wrote a blog not long after losing my mom and I pretty sure I was in shock when I wrote it. Over the past 4-6 weeks, immense pain has finally settled and it feels on some days like a dagger in the gut, other days it feels like your weighted down by a 100 lb cement block. The brain becomes foggy and at times patience run slim. 

What I wasn't prepared for 

I was not prepared for the idea that we, the siblings (her children) who've always been so close have grown apart (with regards to communicating about mom) for the time being. I know when the grief settles more we will be communicating just as much if not more about our mom again.  Everyone deals with personal grief differently and that's no exception for our family whose always been so close.  I wasn't prepared for others to expect that I should feel OK now that the worst is over. I wasn't prepared for the many cliches we all use that can hurt. Some of the cliches that sting, "She's in a better place now," "She's at peace," "She's an angel watching over you now," "She's with God," "She's always with you." Those are just a few. Let me just state for the record, those cliches can hurt. 

Why do those cliches hurt? 

• When a person is grieving they wish their loved one was with them, so hearing they are in a better place can sting
• The mind will wander back to a time that didn't seem that long ago when their loved one was enjoying life and was 'at peace.' 
• She's an Angel watching over you- what if someone does not believe in angels or that those who die become angels?
• She's with God, again- What if a person doesn't believe in God? Or better yet, why did God take her? 
• She's always with you, well that would be nice but I can't see her or talk to her. That reminds me, some people will say, you can always talk to her because she can hear you, again that's nice but we can't have a conversation anymore. Which brings me back to those who do not believe in an afterlife.  I do believe in an afterlife on a spiritual level but I'm not religious. 
• Please note, I mentioned these cliches because they do affect some people. Personally, I'm rarely bothered them. I just wanted to share what I've heard from others too. *

 What have I learned so far? 

Grief sucks and it's a part of life but that doesn't make it any less suckier. I've learned to respect that each sibling is dealing with losing our mom in our own way, our own time. I know the distance that's between some us right now won't last forever. Love always wins in the end.  Even though cliches can hurt, I realize if someone says something that may be a cliche to embrace it because they cared enough to say anything at all! Many times people get very nervous when talking to someone after a loss and they say things that might anger you- let it go... it came from a place of love and/or compassion. Don't have expectations of others or they may let you down even though they didn't mean to. People aren't mind readers and during a time of loss, many people are AT A LOSS for words.  When someone is grieving they may unintentionally push others away, keep letting them know you are there for them if you love them. When others are grieving over the loss of a loved one they may need their space, give it to them but don't give up on them. 

Life is short and we are reminded of just how short it is after losing someone we love. Learn to be more spontaneous and quit making so many lists because what you have listed for tomorrow may never get done. 

Don't hold grudges because you may not have the chance to say you're sorry. Grudges are more damaging to the person holding them anyhow. 

Try to remember all the lessons, both good and bad lessons you learned from your loved one- emanate and pass on those lessons to those you love. After all, isn't that what your loved one worked a lifetime doing, their best, with hopes that you would do even better than they thought they were capable of doing? 

If you are having a tough day listen to your body. Your body may be saying, "I need to rest for a while or get the hell out of this house for the day." 

My mom taught us through her living about unconditional love. Let go of expectations and accept others for who they are. We all differ in nature and that's the beauty of life. 

Mom instilled confidence and family values- I will carry on her legacy. She gave us the wings to soar. 

I will leave you with one last thought, "Live Life Like You Were dying." This song was dedicated to Stacy Westfall's dad who passed away, she said "Thanks for teaching me to try new things." I'd like to thank my mom for the same, Thank you mom! 

Video provided by : youtube- All American Quarter Horse Congress

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