Your Relationship: Truth or Consequences?

I thought I’d give you an inside look at my latest book, "Marriage, Merriment, and Madness" from what I call a “truth revealed,” viewpoint.

First let me explain what this means.

When you ask your teenager what they were doing as they walk in at 11:48 p.m. past their 10:00 p.m. curfew, you often get some of the truth.

But not necessarily all of the truth.

It’s too much for them to confront to tell you EVERYTHING.

Same with your spouse or partner believe it or not.

Sure, adults are a little more savvy and understand they need to be truthful with their partner but see, it’s just not so.

I know. It’s one of those things that makes you kinda squirm in your chair when you hear it. 

Maybe even get a tad defensive.

But, if one could reveal the total truth, then you have a complete understanding right here, right now.

And problems in marriages or relationships all center around withheld communication, miscommunication, and misunderstanding.

See, there must have been SOME TRUTH not revealed.

The problem is when you get to that layer of the total truth with beings, you get introduced to their protective screens. 

And despite them being your life partner, those bad boy screens come up the moment you get too close to the white hot center of truth.

Beings love one another for sure.

But when confronted with telling their partner the truth about something, a hidden deed, a secret, or transgression against their partner or relationship, well, they’d almost rather die.

And truthfully, many clients have told me, “I’ll never tell my wife this, I’m taking this to the grave,”  or “If I tell my husband what I did, he’d kill me.”

It’s often said in jest, but each are dead serious.

If it SO DIFFICULT for your teenage son to tell you he was drinking and had sex with his 15 year old girlfriend, and will stare you down and lie right to your face denying it, then what do you think adults do when they are just teens who have aged?

My book is actually a ring-side seat with couples who seek help but like the bell that rings at a prize fight, when they get center ring they begin to dramatize some episode of Perry Mason or Boston Legal to try to prove the other wrong.  

Listen: There is no one book or single counseling session that handles the amount of pent up nitroglycerin they cram into a stick of dynamite of two people who at one time lovingly said “I do,” and now spit venom with ferocity” and say, “I wish I never did.”

It is the strangest thing ever to observe.

Even with all my training as a counselor, I find each individual is usually not quite up to passing the “truth revealed test” or “coughing up the fur ball” as I say, with their partner.

It takes guts. And yes, it takes courage.

If there’s a litmus test for love, look into your partner’s eyes and tell them everything.

Everything.

Honestly?

Many just cannot do it.

Telling the truth in this culture has taken this merciless beating by those who least want to have it told. It has become the butt of a joke or a derisive slogan or meme to make telling the truth some kind of shell game.

You swear the pea is under one shell when in fact it is not.

It creates an environment where it can often seem impossible to discern who is, or who is not, telling the truth.

It’s not impossible by any means.

But this culture has long since left the detective skills of Colombo or Kojak for multiple versions of NCIS.

Finding out the truth even from your partner often becomes this crazy-ass forensic pursuit.

I mean Jethro Gibbs would find out everything about what your teen was up to, right?

See, your teenager has nerves spiked with Red Bull and he’s still crazy-ass young enough to be that brazen.

And since we once did the same, we stare at our past right in the face of their boldness. We know in our gut there’s more to the story but part of our own renegade youth gives them a “pass.”

The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth:

When your partner tells you “the truth” our Spidey sense knows it might not be all, but you’re relieved to at least hear some truth, right?

But what sticks our attention is what is not-said.

Because every single one of us has this sixth sense that pings when we sense all is not being said. It’s like hearing the chime of an elevator and turning your head to see who comes out.

And no one comes out.

We expect someone to come out.

We expect the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

We are all hardwired this way.

And because we’re hardwired this way, when something is missing, it’s like a synapse sitting in the back of the class as she sheepishly raises her hand and poses:

“Ummmm...I totally believe you had to get that project done honey, but what has me concerned is you smell like a Chanel tester at Macy’s.”

When it feels like there’s more but you also feel a bit of dis-ease in pressing the issue, then their not-reveal  has a bit of a shelf life in our mind.

Someone should have come out of that elevator.

These things not-said are not crimes of the universe.

They don’t have to be.

All they have to be is something that breaks the integrity of the relationship.

Michael: “Babe, whats with all the pictures of Eric working out at the gym on your laptop?”

Cindy: “What the hell  are you doing on my laptop?!!!”

Michael: “Ummmm...it was open and I was just verifying my flight….”

Freeze Frame.

It is in a seemingly innocuous example like this where a tiny crack begins to fracture the integrity and sanctity of the marriage or relationship.

See, little by little these fractures grow larger.

They eventually grow into a split.

And here’s a anecdotal hardcore fact: 

“A survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that Facebook is cited as evidence in 66 percent of divorces in the United States. Also, more than 80 percent of divorce lawyers reported they “have seen an increase in the number of cases using social networking evidence” during the past few years.”

SIXTY-SIX PERCENT.

The Merriment and the Madness:

My book pulls the curtains back on the real madness.

The madness is something you are familiar with because you have most likely felt this not-reveal virus pervade your relationship in the past or even the present.

It’s not knives flailing and crazy-screaming madness.

It’s the breakdown of the integrity of something you and I have believed in since the beginning of time.

It is the deterioration of the mutual love and respect of a partnership that began when we knew the person we were dating was “the one.”

It is an overthrow of an institution that has barely withstood the sands of time, and will only endure if people get smart.

And really that is what my book is.

It’s a get smart manual.

If you look up the word “marriage” or “marry” in any dictionary you will get these vague and ambiguous definitions. It’s like a cat chasing its tail.

It’s really quite eye-opening.

I mean if you look up the word “soccer” you’d pretty much know what to expect when you witnessed a soccer game.

With marriage?

I see and talk to married couples every day.

Not one the same.

Most will say they have a “good” marriage,  but wish it were better.

Some don’t have sex any more.

Some have sex once in awhile and usually one or both partners complain, but just “live with it.”

Some are on “automatic pilot” and feel they have lost the real love they once had.

Some complain of no intimacy or romance and have gone into apathy because they feel they won’t get it back.

Many have indiscretions but withhold them from their partner.

Many have complaints but justify “This is just what 15 years of marriage is like.”

Some work all the time and complain they have no time for each other.

Some have “date nights” and this is their “solution” to having some relationship time.

But these are marriages.

My book advocates that whatever kind of marriage or relationship you have, that it ought to be real and as soul-bearing truthful as you can be.

Because if you’re in it for the long haul, you’re in it as two souls tied together in the journey.

The Beginning of the End:

Probably the biggest enemy to a really great relationship is resignation.

Here’s the definition of resignation.

Resignation: the acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable.

You’ll find the root word is resign and goes back to the 14th Century and its root from the word surrender.

See, if you don’t feel you can win, if you don’t feel you can recreate the intimacy and romance and adventure you once had, if you feel your partner or relationship has things that cannot be changed or overcome, you will resign yourself to these things.

You will have accepted “...something undesirable but inevitable.”

Accepting something other than your ideal or dream is surrender.

Accepting something as “inevitable” is a self proclaimed resignation from your own dream.

You have resigned.

And really, to me, the tragedy is the unilateral acceptance and resignation by couples that, “This is just the way that it is.”

They tell me in private that they would love to get back the great conversations they had into the wee hours of the mornings. They would love to have afternoon quickies again. They want the intimacy, romance, and yes even the wild and dangerous “Hope we don’t get caught doing this,” insouciance they once had.  

Every single man or woman wants what they once had.

Well, truth revealed:

That is why I wrote my book.

When, as a counselor and coach you meet these incredible people who in truth are a great couple, but then in private you hear their resignation, it becomes too much to not say something.

So, I said something.

I wrote my book to help you and your partner or someone you know realize there’s a road back from resignation.

And that in truth is the merriment that awaits.