THE DYNAMIC DUO DISPUTES “INSANE” WHISTLEBLOWER CLAIMS

Batman and Robin, Abbott and Costello, Lime JELL-O and mini-marshmallows–– those famous pairs have got nothing on Trump and Giuliani.

Today the besieged men called The Lint Screen to discuss the allegations last week of an anonymous whistleblower accusing the men of working with a foreign government to influence an American election.

DT: The crazy socialists have started another witch hunt. The greatest witch hunt in history. They got crushed in their phony Mueller witch hunt–– Trump was found to be completely innocent, everyone says so. Everyone says I’m the greatest president ever. And now the looney libs are trying another witch hunt. It’s a disgrace.

RG: It’s ridiculous. They’re taking the word of some insane whistleblower–

DT: Call him what he is, Rudy–– a spy. A treasonous spy trying to ruin democracy. I’m trying to save America and this coward is trying to ruin it. He should be put in an electric chair and put in front of a firing squad.

RG: Who is this person? And why does he have to hide in the shadows? Is he ashamed of something? Be a man, identify yourself! We won’t hurt you.

DT: A lot of people are saying the whistleblower is the bastard child of Adolf Hitler and Angela Merkel. Hitler didn’t die until 1994, you know. Lived in Munich above a bakery. A very bad guy. Did some horrible things. As did Merkel. She’s nasty. So naturally, their kid is a bad seed.

RG: Wow, Hitler’s kid is the whistleblower! Unbelievable. And everything he claims in the report is all second and third-hand information. It’s worthless.

DT: It’s called “hear-say” evidence, a lot of people don’t know that term. Hear-say. It’s very, very weak evidence. I’ve watched a lot of Law and Order.

RG: And why is no one investigating Biden and his son? They stole billions from Ukraine and spent it on heroin. Then they shot up homeless kids and lonely widows so they’d overdose. They also killed puppies and kittens. Threw them against brick walls.

DT: That’s bad. Not nice.

RG: But no one’s looking into the Bidens. And what about Hillary’s server? It’s supposed to have a deadly virus on it and pirated copies of Microsoft Office. And what about the Steele report? Who’s researching that? And Benghazi?

DT: It’s the fake news, Rudy. They’re all protecting them. They’re the enemy of the people, fake news. They never even report on how every Democrat candidate is a bloodthirsty cannibal.

RG: Really? They’re cannibals?

DT: A lot of people are saying that. Hannity. Tucker Carlson. Fox and Friends. The only reason the evil Democrats want the White House back is to put Americans on the menu. That’s what they mean when they say they want to serve their country. They want to eat us.

RG: That’s awful. Disgusting.

DT: I like hamburgers. KFC. Papa John’s. Normal people food.

RG: Not humans.

DT: No. I would never eat my people. I protect them with my big, beautiful wall. We’ve built over 10,000 miles of it, 60-feet tall. Mountain climbers gave up. It can’t be climbed. Caravans can’t drive over it.

RG: The president is one-hundred percent innocent.

DT: I am, Rudy. I really am innocent.

RG: See? He’s the president. You have to believe him. It’s in the Constitution.

DT: No obstruction. No collusion. No cannibalism.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).