SEN. GRAHAM HAS A SOLUTION FOR “THIS RIDICULOUS IMPEACHMENT MESS”

Say what you will about partisanship in Washington, but one guy has always played it straight down the line–– South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham.

The 17-year veteran of the Senate Chambers is livid about the impeachment of President Donald John Trump.

“It makes my blood boil,” he says sparkling those dreamy baby blues. “These Democrats are wasting taxpayer money with this ridiculous impeachment mess. It’s like they’re not even listening to the president–– he’s said it a thousand times–– the whole thing is a sham, a hoax. He did nothing wrong. A perfect call. Perfect!“

Graham tells The Lint Screen he has a simple solution to make quick work of the impeachment trial–– change our government!

“Look, Trump has done an incredible job,” the strikingly handsome man says in that smooth bourbon-voice that could melt chocolate. “He has always been a straight shooter, a man of honor and integrity. He says our economy is the best it’s ever been, and the beautiful wall he’s building is keeping us safe from illegals, there’s peace in the Middle East thanks to him, he licked China in the trade war, everyone’s richer than they’ve ever been before, and he even started Space Force, so we’ll dominate the whole cotton-pickin’ universe. Whew!”

The Ken doll catches his breath and continues.

“By any measure, Trump is most definitely the greatest leader in the history of the world. It seems to me that his being president is way too small a role for him.”

Graham leans in, his breath fragrant from an Altoid or peppermint Lifesaver, and continues with his eyes twinkling like excited stars.

“The presidency is too limiting for Donald J. Trump. Elections every four years, only two terms, three branches of government––why that’s just silly! We need to make him our Emperor and almighty ruler. If we do that now, we can eliminate this sham of an impeachment trial and get rid of the Senate and House of Representatives. Trump will just put Jared or Ivanka in charge of lawmaking. They’re smart cookies.”

The ‘aw-shucks-I’m-just-a-country-lawyer’ leans back in his seat and extends those long legs of his, showing a little smooth calf from where his cashmere socks don’t ride so high.

“Almighty Ruler Trump solves all our problems. We don’t have to waste money on trials, lawmakers, elections–– any of that crap. We simply trust in his good judgment. He’s a very stable genius, you know.”

Graham smiles that million-dollar friend-maker and you can hear your heart thump in your chest.

“I think it’s the only solution to making America great again. And I will be happy to serve our fantabulous leader in any way I can.”

As he leaves the room, a seductive masculine musk scent wafts gently through the air. His brilliant idea makes a lot of sense. 

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).