Relationships: What If You're the Cheater?

For over 40+ years I’ve been helping couples confront and handle the devastating effect of finding out their partner cheated on them.

This happens with both men and women but to be perfectly honest, statistically it is the wives who contact me to tell me they discovered their partner was cheating on them. And most of the conversation centered around handling her disbelief, shock, and anger.

But there is the flip side of this story and that is the spouse who cheated.

And what if this was you?

The truth is, hardly anyone who’s cheated makes an appointment with me and comes on the phone and says, “I was the cheater.”

It just doesn’t happen.

And why is this?

Because in simple language, to admit you cheated is to admit you were wrong.

And being right is such an overwhelmingly strong impulse in all of us that when we do something wrong, we have to somehow justify or rationalize why we did it in order to be right.

Rather than just admit we were wrong.

When little Billy’s Mom calls Billy into the kitchen and asks, “Did you take the cookies out of the cookie jar?” It's a simple and straightforward question.

But when I pose this question to an auditorium of seminar attendees about how Billy will answer, 100% say Billy will lie and say “No” when he fact had taken the cookies. 

Billy most likely was imagining the spanking or grounding he’d get if he told the truth, so he lied. He told an untruth. 

But what often gets missed in this scenario, is what problem was Billy solving by having to lie?

See, often the cheater is immediately demonized because he or she went and had an affair. Certainly a breach of ethics, no doubt. 

But when people fill in their mental blanks they assume it was for better or wilder sex. 

But that’s not always true. In fact, that’s a minority of cases. 

But look for yourself at anyone you know, or possibly a celebrity or an athlete who’s cheated and your mind will just think they weren’t getting it at home.

Nope. That’s not true either.

So, why did they cheat? Why then did they have an affair?

That’s a good starter question.

An even better question is: 

“What problem were they trying to solve?”

Well, let’s ask Billy what problem he was trying to solve?

Billy says, “I lied so I wouldn’t get my ass spanked and my Ninntendo taken away.”

So, Billy was solving the potential danger he felt would come down on him if he told the truth.

The cheater is no different.

Every woman or wife I’ve spoken to over four decades says when she asked her husband if they were having an affair, they denied it. Yep. 

It wasn’t until much later that it was found out they had cheated.

So, if you’re the cheater, why don’t you just fess up?

I mean as far back as I can remember most of us were taught to tell the truth. If we did something bad like steal some candy from a store, we should, when asked, come clean. 

The fact is you won’t fess up. You won’t. You can, and you should, but you don’t.

Bill Clinton should’ve just said, “Yes, I had sexual relations with that woman.” But he didn’t. He could have. But he’s just Billy all grown up.

So, what happens to you then, if you’re the cheater?

Let’s be honest, you backpedal. You have to. You invent some story or lie that completely refutes the allegations against you.

And you say it convincingly. 

Because you have to be right. 

But here’s the dilemma for you as the cheater.

You know you cheated. See?

Billy knew. Bill Clinton knew.

A being always knows when they’ve crossed the line.

But see once you’ve wandered into Russian airspace if you will, trying to explain how you did or why you did becomes a feat of mental gymnastics. Let’s face it. Bill Clinton looked right into the camera and flat out lied. See, crossing the line is fairly easy.

Coming back across that line often takes veins of steel.

And that’s why I’m writing this article. Because I believe if you are the cheater, that you fall into one of two categories. 

You were solving the wrong bloody problem and now you’re in the thick of it or..

You have low esteem and self-worth and you’ve had this your whole life hence cheating becomes not only the wrong solution, but a drug that seemingly and momentarily seems to handle the problem.

But the problem is not sex, affection, or some imagined sexual fantasy your wife wouldn’t do.

No, the problem is your own insecurities.

See, if you were secure with yourself, you’d never cheat.

You could be invited to. We all are. Everyday at every turn.

But when you’re secure with yourself you’d know that “wandering into Russian airspace” is the total wrong space to be wandering.

See? 

Everyone knows what's right and what’s wrong. 

So, is there a road back for the cheater?

Absolutely. 

A chorus of voices will tell you “once a cheater always a cheater,” but those are the voices of people who’ve never set out to help the cheater.

I mean if you love your spouse---I mean you truly love them---and they cheated, wouldn’t you want there to be a road back?

And if you’re the cheater, wouldn’t you want redemption?

Well, the first step for you as the cheater is to come to terms with one simple thing: You cheated. No explanations. No justifications. Just like you cheated on an exam in school. You cheated. 

If you can confront this first part you have a chance at restoring the trust you once had with your partner.

The second part is not so easy which is why cheaters hardly ever get past this point.

But really, it’s about “owning” or taking full responsibility for having cheated. 

People in this culture talk an awful lot about “owning it” but very few actually do when the rubber meets the road. 

See owning it means you have to say it was your hands in the cookie jar. It was you having sex with Megan or Mike or whomever. 

You crossed the line. Your partner only wants to hear the truth, not some bullshit story.

You had sex with Megan. How many times? 2 or 200? 

See, it’s really that simple. 

But to tell your partner this is often, if not, nearly impossible.

So, how the hell do you as the cheater work your way back into this relationship?

Tell me first. 

I’ve heard everything under the sun and more. Aberrations and perversions and things that most people would be shocked at.

Well, through my training I learned clearly that you, the cheater, are human too. And yes, you wandered off the reservation and broke the trust with your partner.

But it’s not the event that is important. That’s where this society gets it wrong. They want to talk about the incident. They want to make the sexual escapade the focus of attention. Sex sells, you know?

Nah.

The focus of attention should be the rehabilitation of the human spirit. 

It should be on whether you can be trusted, see?

You can’t do anything about the sex with Megan. 

But you can directly change the course of your relationship by telling the truth and being honest.

And every woman I’ve ever talked to just wanted the truth.

Because they too, can’t do anything about the sex with Megan.

But they sure as hell aren’t going to get back in that boat with you if they can’t trust you.

And listen: Trust can be earned back. 

It can.

It takes work, but what else are you going to do?

Live a life of crafty and clever lies and deleting WhatsApp texts?

If you cheated you made a mistake. You know this. 

I offer you a real chance to set things right. 

You might be skeptical or cynical or both. I understand.

But above all that you’re too smart to think you can live a life of hiding deeds or actions that your spouse or others will eventually bring to light.

And truth has this uncanny way of finding that light. 

Ask Bill Clinton. 

Dave Worthen
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