KIM JONG UN’S “BEAUTIFUL TRUMP LETTER” REVEALED

The Lint Screen digs into a story like a dog with a metal detector looking for bones, and we’ve unearthed an enormous scoop–– the complete “beautiful letter” from North Korean Overlord Kim Jong Un to American Overlord Donald J. Trump.

Here is the correspondence in its entirety.

“Dear Don-Dude,

What up, fella? The Kimster here and I wanna lay some props on you for the rad job you did on your Euro-tour.

Bitch, you were rockin’ that chill tux you wore to the fancypants dinner at Buckingham Palace. You looked like you stepped off a wedding cake–– I’ll bet you had icing on your shoes!!!!!!!!!!!

HA!

Seriously, man, and you gave that really sincere speech at Normandy and trashed “Nervous Nancy” (you are so clever it’s amazing!) and “Sleepy” Joe Biden and it was classic Trumpinator–– and I totally loved the optics of the graves in the background. It made everything you said even more stinging.

Dude, I would HATE to be your political enemy! 

Why don’t you just do like me and kill your enemies? I don’t understand why you don’t punch back with some power. You’re obviously a ripped guy (I’m not a homosexual, but damn you looked FINE in that tux.

Melania’s one lucky first lady!!!

Anyway, you should consider my approach to dealing with your enemies. GIVE NANCY A REASON TO BE NERVOUS!

You’re totally cray, though, you got that whole GOP eating outta your hand. Love that. Keep those spineless bitches in line, they’ll help you get re-elected.

Speaking of that, don’t worry. I was chillin’ with Vlad last week and we’re behind you 100%. We got you, bro, no worries.

Trump 2020’s in the bag–– it’s just a question of how many states you wanna take. We leave it to you, but we can deliver all 50, but you may wanna only take 39 or something, you know, make it seem competitive.

The choice is yours. Let us know.

Anyway, I’ve got to go now– my goon squad’s torturing some of my political enemies and I just wanna kick back, grab some kernels and a brewski and watch the show.

Keep up the GREAT WORK, you really do have the biggest brain and you’re VERY SMART and make THE ABSOLUTE BEST DEALS.

I really admire the hell outta ya, big guy!!!

Oh yeah, it’s a no go on me giving up the nuclear bomb development–– I like big bangs!

Catch ya later, dude, on the flip-flop,

The Kimster"

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).