Depression and Guardian Angels

Lean in. I have to tell you something. The devil barged into my life and lit it on fire. It took a long time for the flames to subside, but the embers continue to smolder, threatening to flare up at any time. That's the feeling I get when I wake up in the morning - every morning. And its been that way since 1992. That's when I was diagnosed with clinical depression. 

I've been hospitalized twice, once for a month, and once for a weekend. I've been medicated and psychoanalyzed. I've lost a job and a marriage. Fortunately, I was able to discover what triggers the debilitating thoughts and empty them from the revolver that's pressed against my head. It's not always easy. It never will be. I haven't been medicated or psychoanalyzed in years. However, I'm not cured. I never will be. It's a journey without end. A battle I can't win. Nonetheless, achieving a stalemate is a great, moral victory. I can live with that, literally.

I don't mean to sound like a defeatist. I'm not. I'm a realist. But, above all, I'm a survivor. Life throws challenges at us everyday. Some we catch. Some hit us right between the eyes. They're mostly minor. It's the major ones that test our strength as individuals. That's when being an individual isn't always enough. We need assistance. For me, that assistance has always come from friends -- real friends. The kind in which you share your innermost thoughts. And, I do mean share. Friendship is not a one-way street. You have to give in order to receive. Don't shut them out. They'll be there when you need them and vice versa. 

I consider myself fortunate to not only have a few real friends, but a guardian angel, as well. Her name is Karen, and she has a way of leading me through the darkness and back into the light. She truly is a vision, in every way. But, her heart transcends her physical beauty. I owe her my life. She's been there for me time and time, again. I've been there for her, too. Like I said, that's how it works. If you get anything out of reading this, I hope that's it.

"A friend's eye is a good mirror" -- Irish Proverb

I've never been ashamed or embarrassed as a result of the diagnosis. I've always spoken freely about it. But, I don't go shouting it from the rooftops, either. Not everyone understands. The stigma associated with mental disorders remains firmly entrenched, but the times appear to be steadily changing. Nonetheless, I don't foresee it every going away. Like I said, I'm a realist. Depression is one of those "Invisible Illnesses" addressed by @Margaret Aranda, MD, PhD. Those who suffer from depression become great actors, constantly practicing the many ways to hide behind the facade of a smile. Sadly, it's nothing to smile about.