A Revelation and Bygones

Thanks to John White's suggestion today I went for a hike along the Allegheny River. The river is one of my favorite spots, which runs through town, beginning in  New York to Pa, meeting up with 2 other rivers in Pittsburgh, Pa. Hence, the term Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh.  The Allegheny River joins the Ohio River, forming the Monongahela River. 

Bliss tonight along the Allegheny River

It's been so hot and humid that past 5 weeks or more so many people aren't going outside as often as usual. Tonight was different! It was in the upper 70's today, low humidity and beautiful! It's days like this we wait for all winter and wish would last much longer than 3-4 months out of the year.  I could hear the crickets and birds singing as the sun began to set. I must admit, this was music to my ears! I lose track of all time and forget all worries when I'm near a body of water or out in nature. There is just something so soothing about feeling at one with nature. 

A big revelation tonight

I thought I was keeping busy enough to satisfy my inner soul. I guess if you call doing housework, going to the grocery store, heading to Pittsburgh for Dr. appointments and cooking, which I love to cook. Just to expand, I love to cook so much I will spend hours in the kitchen but I realized tonight I wasn't taking time just for ME.  Much of what I've been doing this summer has been 'busy' work, something I think many of us are used to and may even take for granted. I'm sure many of you could add to my list of what your busy work may be made up of. I have also spent a lot of time on Social Media. I don't have any regrets but I realized tonight I have to give myself a day or two away in order to re-group. The revelation? I realized I had not cried much since mom died. Yes, I've written about her but it's almost a sterile feeling when writing versus feeling. I have not avoided my feelings  intentionally.  

How I came to my revelation will surprise you

I posted a picture of the Allegheny River (well a few) and Dean Owen left a comment on one of my pictures. He used the term "Bygones." The term was innocently used and I got a kick out of it. But, within a minute or two, that word hit me. Bygones- the past. Oh, the flood gates opened! No worries Dean, it's all good! I realized I had been keeping so superficially busy over the past six months and I never once had a major melt down.

Please, no sympathy, it's still, all good! It was as if a movie screen was in front of me and I began to remember all the fun I had with my mom. I remembered all the phone conversations, the travel we did together as mother and daughter and as a family. I remembered my mom when she was healthy and thriving. I remembered that I wasn't able to call her and keep filling her in on the newest addition to our family, my new granddaughter, her great-granddaughter. I began to picture my mom in her kitchen cooking, something she also loved. Mom was a great cook and rarely used a recipe book which is one thing mom and I had in common. I remembered that I lost my confidant and best friend. Mom and I lived 2.5 hours from each other over the past 25 years but we talked on the phone every other day and we got together a lot too. Mom's birthday is coming up on September 17th (the same day my son was born) and we will be burying her ashes on that day. September 17th will be bittersweet.  Lastly, I remembered mom's love for the water. We grew up on Lake Erie in Ohio. Most of our late springs and summers were spent sunning and swimming in/on Lake Erie. Good times~ .   

Lake Erie 

The photo above I took from Bridge St. in Ashtabula, Ohio (2013) where I grew up. This photo is a picture of the Ashtabula River flowing into Lake Erie. On the right is a Coast Guard Station and to the left, you see a conveyor belt for Pinney Dock. Ashtabula, Harbor, was a booming port town until the late 90's or so. My mom's love for the water along with mine helped me to realize that I missed mom even more than I was aware of. Tonight helped me to understand I was keeping pent up emotions inside of me which weren't healthy. Crying as I did tonight felt like a big release, it felt healing. 

I can't thank John enough. I'm sure he had no idea what his suggestion would inspire. You helped me to understand I haven't healed, there is more to do but I now understand I must feel it. 

I'd like to end this by stating a fact

My time spent on beBee is my choice. I love beBee and beBee's team. I believe in their platform and I do what I do because I believe in beBee that much! Javier 'beBee is a very kind soul and I think many of us feel that deeply. It's easy to help others when you know their intentions aren't just business based but humanity based too. After all, you chose great people to represent and work for your Company, Javier- John White and Matt Sweetwood, I see that as a win-win all around. Thank you all for your friendship and kindness

Again, please no sympathy, today was a good day. Today was healing. I needed this much more than I was aware. 

This last photo is for my mom who I believe is hanging out near the water up in heaven. 

PHOTO CREDITS: ALL RIGHTS RESERVED  LISA GALLAGHER 2016