Sarah Elkins

7 years ago · 2 min. reading time · 0 ·

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With Our Kids, I Err on the Side of Negligence

With Our Kids, I Err on the Side of Negligence

After observing our boys, then 6 & 8 years old, during the long weekend of our family reunion, my sister-in-law with two much younger children, asked me:

"How did you get your kids to be so independent?"

I have to say, I was a little puzzled by the word "get" in that sentence. Don't they naturally come that way, with curiosity and a desire for independence? I thought briefly about how to answer her question, and, somewhat flippantly, answered:

"I guess I err on the side of negligence."

All weekend she watched our boys get breakfast for themselves in the lodge, get dressed and explore the nearby creek, show their cousins cool stuff in the forest, and get their own snacks when they were hungry. She watched as they entertained themselves outside while their parents enjoyed gin & tonic with the family on the porch of a cabin. All weekend our boys were the wild, feral children of the family; and they were polite, excuse me, and please & thank you children of the family.

I explained that by living in a small Montana town, we had the luxury of encouraging our children to be independent. That doesn't mean that life here is risk-free, it means the risks are different. Our boys, from early ages, could walk to the library downtown by themselves. We explored our neighborhood and pointed out which houses were safe to go if they felt uncomfortable, scared, or had any other problem. When each boy turned 11, we got him a phone because adventures took them out of earshot of home. There is a mountain a couple of blocks behind our house and the boys, in groups of three or more, were allowed --  no --  encouraged to explore that mountain without an adult. They understood the safety measures we drilled into their heads because the risks were injuries, mountain lions, snakes, etc.

Their friends parents weren't all like us, some had a lot more protective inclinations, which we respected. As our boys and their collections of friends got older, it was often our boys leading adventures and encouraging their friends to step outside and explore. The boys had a lot of freedom to explore, and because of that freedom, they are aware of their surroundings and the risks they take. They are also respectful of the environment and know to leave nature exactly as they found it.

Our boys are just as comfortable exploring San Francisco and Paris, France as they are exploring the mountains near our home.

With Our Kids, I Err on the Side of Negligence

If you've been reading anything about our National Parks in recent months, you've probably noticed a frightening number of fatal and near-fatal accidents. All of those are related to our disconnect from nature. Spending far too much time interacting with screens and sharing every moment on social media has created a serious risk when exploring our natural environment. It's time to reconnect to the world around you -- without the barrier of a screen. And when you do, please read the posted signs about wild animals and dangerous places. Turn off your phone, don't take selfies, and stop posting everything to Instagram. Enjoy the moment, pay attention to risk, respect your environment, and leave the wild animals alone.

Yellowstone Visitor Dies After Falling Into Hot Spring

Bison Calf Euthanized After Incident with Tourists

Criminal Complaint Filed, Arrest Warrant Filed Against Men Off-boardwalk at Grand Prismatic Spring in Yellowstone

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Comments

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #17

#48
I totally get that, Dave Rynne, it's a fine line to know where to step in sometimes. I usually give myself a moment to decide how bad the failure might be if I let something happen -- is there potential for serious injury or heartbreak? Is this something they'll have to face in the near future as older children or adults?

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #16

#47
Thank you, Jeff, for sharing the post and for the comment. It's so important and so difficult at the same time, to let go and let live.

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #15

Thanks to all of you for sharing this post in so many hives, I really appreciate your help!

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #14

#39
Oh dear. Chasing a black bear might have been a small error in judgment, Paul \. I'm sure glad that worked out in her favor! I wish it was more common to teach our children to enjoy our natural environment. I'm a city girl at heart, but I love my time in the mountains, on a river, and on the beach.

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #13

#38
Anees Zaidi, thank you for that comment. One of the most important lessons my father taught his three children was to know our resources. Whenever we faced a tough obstacle or decision, my father would walk us through our options in terms of who we could go to for help, what we knew we could do well that would help solve a dilemma, etc. My siblings and I are big-time problem solvers and we're all eternally grateful for that skill. Of course, it's not much fun to try to complain to any of us because we always go straight to trying to solve the problem, rather than listen, which is sometimes what people would prefer. :-)

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #12

#24
Kristi Latimer, they have to fall and fail to learn, so yes, it's our job to help them back up, I think. Sometimes I wish I was more like my younger sister; she learned from my errors in judgment and was intentional about what to follow and what NOT to follow in my footsteps. Maybe it's the Aries in me - for some reason I seem to choose to learn the hard way.

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #11

#28
Thanks, Lisa Gallagher. I figure it would be hypocritical of me to hold them back... I'm grateful to have a close relationship with both of them, too, so they actually tell me when they did something wrong, or if they're considering doing something they're not sure is a good idea. It's kind of like when they were little, before they'd leave for a friend's house, they'd finish my sentence: "Don't forget your...." "pleases & thanks yous. We know, mom." Only now it's "don't forget your..." "phone, safety glasses, and helmet. We know, mom."

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #10

#29
I think the dangers were just a great then, Richard Buse, but they were different and we weren't as hyper-aware of those dangers because we didn't have access to stories from nearby towns and cities. You're so right that we need to let our children explore, and we have to give them the tools to stay safe while they're taking those risks. That's why we gave them each a cheap flip-phone when they turned 11. I was so torn about it, thinking "only spoiled kids have cell phones." But then I realized my mom & dad would love to have had a tool like that to offer to us in our adventures! Thanks for the comment.

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #9

#30
Thanks, Heather. I've been known to say "if you don't let your kid out of your sight for a few hours at a time, you don't get to be surprised when he can't tie his own shoes or pour himself a bowl of cereal!

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #8

#23
Thank you, Mohammad; you're right, it's all about expressing and encouraging curiosity. Great comment!

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #7

#17
By the way, Susan, I hitchhiked by myself through New Zealand when I was 20 and didn't tell my mother until I got back. I pray our boys are smarter than I was.

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #6

#15
We must be around the same age. Our older son will be 18 just in time to vote in the upcoming election *gasp." He will finish high school next spring, and then who knows what he will choose for his next adventure!

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #5

#17
This has been the most fun thread of comments. Thank you!

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #4

#9
Thank you, Donna-Luisa & Paul O'Neill. Parenting is so tricky, I love your mother's comment, Paul - we do the best we can with what we have. I also think a big part of good parenting is observation of kids and parents around us. By watching others, I learned a lot of what I wanted to teach our boys - and what NOT to do as well!

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #3

#7
Hi Neal, thanks for your comment. Playing the devil's advocate: I'm not so sure things have changed that much; I'm sure we hear a lot more of everything that goes on because of our globally connected communities. Many places have grown, and with that growth normally comes increased criminal activity. That said, those dangers have always existed, we just hear about every incident now. My brother and I explored our Chatsworth, CA neighborhood, which was a very busy place near LA when we lived there. We rode our bikes to the Northridge Mall. I walked my baby sister across major 4-lane busy roads to get ice cream when we were 8 & 3 years old. We took lots of risks we didn't understand at the time and were lucky to only have minor incidents (like the nails in my hand when we were exploring a construction site, or the time my brother was hit by a car at a busy intersection near our bus stop - minor injuries.) We trusted our instincts and when we felt at all threatened or unsafe, we knew our resources. That's the minimum of what I hope we've instilled in our boys. It's just so sad to me to see the complete disconnect from nature that is reflected in our current news items. It seems to me that a disconnect from nature directly correlates to a disconnect from our own humanity.

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #2

#3
I think many of us grew up a bit wild, especially compared to kids I see now. I understand the fear we face as parents, so Sarah (Sally) McCabe, if only it was that simple!

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #1

#1
Thanks, Kevin Pashuk, for the encouragement and the comment. You did give your son good advice! I usually say "don't be TOO stupid" because I know they'll make stupid errors in judgment -- we all do.

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