Wilbur Ross Calls Gov't Shutdown Employees "Slackers"

The U.S. Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross is frustrated with the state of the union. In an exclusive interview with The Lint Screen, the featured model for the month of March on the U.S. Cabinet “Nudie” Calendar spoke candidly about his views.

“I keep hearing how bad these 800,000 furloughed government employees have it. Wah wah wah! Well, I say, ‘Hogwash!’ The president has orchestrated the biggest economic boom in our nation’s history — get a couple of jobs at WalMart, Burger King or driving Uber rather than sitting at home bellyaching. For goodness sake, I have some lawn work that needs to be done and gutters that need cleaning! The bottom line is these slackers need to toughen up. We all have to do our part to get the wall built for our president!”

Ross has other commonsensical solutions for those feeling a financial pinch during the shutdown.

“I don’t understand why people don’t get a loan from their bank or a credit union. Better yet, ask your father for a loan. Or, get an advance on your trust fund. Cripes, you can even sell some Amazon or Netflix stock, there’s no law against taking some profits off the table. If you’re in a real pinch, go to a pawn shop and hock one of your Rolexes or some gold bullion. These are just my top of the head spitball ideas, I’m sure I can come up with a hundred more.”

Ross disputes the claims that Trump and his administration have no empathy or compassion for the middle class.

“Listen, that’s a bunch of malarky! This administration loves commoners. We believe any serf who puts in a hard day’s work deserves a scrap of bread and sip from the water bucket. That’s the American dream in action. It’s what built this nation. I am confident we’ll get through this rough patch, then we can get back to managing our real estate and investment portfolios. Stay strong, common people, we’re all in this together!”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).