Wednesday Words: Are You "Shoulding" All Over Everyone?

Years ago, I took my car in to a local service station. My oil light was on, and even I knew that meant I should get an oil change. Duh. The service guy lifted the car up, unscrewed the cap, and . . . thick, black, tarry stuff slowly fell out of the car.

He had a truly horrified look on his face. 

Here’s what he said to me (close enough, anyway): 

“Shoulding” all over me, he was.

Was he wrong? Not about the oil — that was so old and thick it almost plopped out of the car.

Not about my having waited way too long to get the oil changed (the red light really means GET. THE. OIL. CHANGED. NOW!).

Not about having been dumber than dumb.

He was right about all those things. 

But he never saw me at his service station again.

Why? I’m sure you know. Because no one can go back and do it over, and to keep reminding someone of what she should have / could have / needed to have done is pointless and hurtful. But we all do it! We shame others, reminding them of their total failure – and there’s nothing they can do about it. Heck, we shame ourselves as well -- far too often.

Of course, I got over it. But as I began my career as a corporate trainer, focusing on communication skills, I vowed to help others learn how to manage language so they wouldn’t hurt anyone else (including themselves) that way.

Two simple words can save the day when we’re trying to correct a behavior. Nothing in the past can be changed; we can only create a new future. And the more we can focus on the future – and use these two little words – the better our interactions / relationships / results will be.

                                                            Next time

                                       NEXT TIME

                             NEXT TIME

Next time puts us into all those tomorrows where changes can be made.

Next time takes away shame, embarrassment, and misery at having done something that cannot be undone or corrected.

Next time allows a relationship to continue in a positive manner, and isn’t that what we all want?

So, if the service station guy had said something like this, I would have returned.
“Ma’am, it

I would not have felt shamed. I would have felt like a grownup who had gotten a valuable reminder.

Let’s be smart and kind with others who may have made an error; let’s help them see what can be done the next time to create a better result.

Have you used words like should or must and realized that they are hurtful? Do you have other ways to help correct an issue? Please share your stories with us. 

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Thanks for taking the time to read this post. If you learned something, I hope you will . . . 

Find it relevant and/or share it, so your connections can see it and perhaps learn too. 

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My previous posts can be seen here on my website, and they're easy to find because they're categorized.  

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Are you a member of an association or other group that is looking for a speaker for one of its meetings? There are many communication-based topics that would create a lighthearted and interesting presentation.