TRUMPSTER CALLS ON THE KUSHINATOR TO RESCUE AMERICAN TEAM

In times of crisis, it’s reassuring to know you have a stable genius at the helm.

Yesterday, President Donald J. Trump eased the nation’s concern during the global pandemic that is ravaging us from coast to coast. He selected his son-in-law Jared Kushner as the point man for the coronavirus crisis.

“Mike Pence is doing a tremendous job,” Trump said. The veep rose from the floor where he had been licking his master’s shoes and gushed…

“Thank you, mister president, for your great leadership and incredible––”

The leader of the free world slapped his stooge aside and continued his announcement.

“But Mike could use some help,” the big man continued. “So I am appointing Jared Kushner to head up the federal response to the needs of states. We have fifty states, most people don’t know that.”

Trump threw a smoke bomb, and when the fog dissipated, Kushner magically appeared standing at the podium.

“Thanks, mister president,” the pixie of a man said. “It is an honor to serve you. The job you have done is nothing short of amazing. You brought America the greatest economy and employment boom it has ever seen, until an invisible enemy that no one could have imagined, has appeared and proven to be a bit of a pickle for our economy. But I am sure you will make it all well again and the economy will be roaring again soon.”

Trump nodded approval to his hot daughter’s boy-toy. “Go on, Jared,” he encouraged. “You can do this.”

“Now that I have brought peace to the Middle East and solved the opioid crisis,” Kushner said humbly, “I am looking forward to helping states get the life-saving medical equipment they need. But first, they must understand the stockpile is ours, not yours.” Kushner wagged a disapproving finger and continued.

“I want to start by saying many states don’t need as much equipment as they think they do. I have been running my own projections. Governor Cuomo said New York needs 30-40,000 ventilators. That’s ridiculous. According to my noodling, four ventilators should do the trick.”

Kushner looked at his father-in-law who nodded approval.

“So, let’s all be reasonable, not greedy,” the Ken doll in his pressed suit said. “This is a time of need, and unless you’re the governor of a swing state, we don’t want to hear any bellyaching. We all must work together to support our president in the terrific job he is doing to make America great again.”

“Amen,” Mike Pence said rising from the president’s shoes. “Thank you, mister president, for the wonderful job you are doing and––”

Trump pushed Pence aside and stormed off the stage, he wanted to catch Hannity and give him some talking points before he went on air.

Go Kush!

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).