TrumpKim Fest Day One Highlights

And it came to pass that the glorious two met, the brothers in nuclear arms. The Lint Screen was there with this transcript from the first face-to-face conservation between Donald J. Trump and Kim Jong-un.

DT: Hello, Kimmie. I call you Kimmie because you are my friend.

KJ: Hello, Mr. T.

DT: I call Putin Pootie. My nickname.

KJ: Clever.

DT: Kimmie, I’m sure we’re going to have tremendous chemistry and forge an incredible relationship. We’ll have amazing talks. The best talks.

KJ: Absolutely. For sure. Dude.

DT: We are two of the world’s greatest leaders. Ever. Much better than Justin Trudeau. He’s dishonest.

KJ: Weak.

DT: Lots of people think I’ll win a Nobel Prize for meeting you and bringing about peace in the world.

KJ: I will win NBA Championship.

DT: Done. You’ve won it. I will invite you and Dennis Rodman to the White House. Not the Golden State Warriors. They’re very unAmerican. I’ll deport Steph Curry.

KJ: I learned how to drive at age three.

DT: I have a very good brain.

KJ: My brain is the smartest ever.

DT: I had the largest inauguration crowd in history.

KJ: When I was nine, I won yachting races.

DT: I invented yachts. Water, too.

KJ: I have had people killed. Many people.

DT: I would have people killed if it weren’t for the stupid Congress. Laws are very strict. Too strict.

KJ: I put my uncle in front of a firing squad.

DT: I hate Congress. And the fake news media.

KJ: Chicks dig me.

DT: Me, too. Women find me irresistible. My hair is real. Go on, touch it.

KJ: Bouncy, full of body. I do not use product in my hair. Feel.

DT: Very soft. Manageable. Nice.

KJ: I invented hair.

DT: I invented heads. They’re a good place to keep hair.

KJ: I can do one-arm push-ups.

DT: I do no arm push-ups.

KJ: I can levitate.

DT: I can fly. Like a rocket. So help me, God.

KJ: You are an impressive man, Mr. T.

DT: Thanks, Kimmie. I want all your nuclear weapons. Give them to me.

KJ: Sure. Give me all of America’s wealth, and a reality TV show. And a dancing monkey who makes cotton candy. I like cotton candy.

DT: You are a shrewd negotiator, Kimmie. Let’s keep talking.

KJ: Where is Wayne Brady?

DT: 'Let's Make A Deal' Wayne Brady?

KJ: Yes.

DT: Smart.

THE MEN SHOOK HANDS, AND TRUMP HOISTED MR. KIM ON HIS SHOULDERS AND PARADED HIM AROUND TRIUMPHANTLY.

Their meeting was a resounding success.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to be a full-time writer, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

Thanks for reading.