TRUMP WILL FIRE FAUCI AND REPLACE HIM WITH PUTIN
President Donald Trump is known for his emotional intelligence and even temper, but tiny Tony Fauci has become a painful burr in his saddle.
“That runt is a joke,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “He’s a traitor. Mr. Medical Science is always talking his doomsday crap and scaring people. I’ve had enough. We’re turning the corner, COVID’s going to disappear. And the moment I win re-election, and I’m winning–– 99.9% of the votes for Trump–– I’m going to fire Fauci’s ass and replace him with Putin.”
Trump’s fat face is beet-red. Jared Kushner brings the big man a brown paper bag imprinted with a large TRUMP logo. The prez hyperventilates into the sack for a minute, then continues.
“I had been getting excellent medical advice from Mike Lindell, the Mr. Pillow Guy,” Trump says. “Then I heard about Russia’s amazing COVID-19 vaccine.” The president smiles and props his feet on the Resolute desk. “I’ve established a tremendous relationship with Putin. Great guy. Smart. Very strong. So I called him and asked if he’d like to be in charge of my Operation Warp Speed. We’ll give Russia the $10 billion budgeted for Warp Speed and use their vaccine. Putin says the vaccine’s incredible. Works instantly.”
The president crosses his arms and winks. “I drove a very hard bargain with Putin,” Trump says. “I’m the world’s best negotiator. I gave him the names of our secret agents working overseas and our nuclear codes and the locations of our nuclear arsenal. Putin wanted an additional $100 billion. I kept a poker face and got him down to $99.5 billion. He finally folded and agreed to take the job. I’m the best negotiator ever!”
Trump sees no problem with the president of a communist country handling medical care for the world’s largest democracy.
“Look, that’s will all be changing,” Trump said. “America’s been a democracy for too damn long. What–– a couple hundred years or something? In my second term, I’m doing away with democracy. We’ll save so much money getting rid of elections and these stupid bureaucrats. I’ll find the very best people and give them the power. I’m going to simplify government. Make it much leaner. I’m going to make American lives much better.”
Trump flashes his famous smile. “People are going to be amazed with my second term. They’re not going to believe how great I’m going to make America.”
Ivanka Trump enters the Oval Office in a lacy teddy, leaps on top of the desk, and begins go-go dancing.
“Daddy for emperor!” she shouts as she sheds her clothes. Jared starts huffing and puffing into a Trump brown paper bag.
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