TRUMP SLAYS INTERNATIONAL CROWD, WILL HEADLINE VEGAS

United States President Donald J. Trump was on fire today as he did stand-up comedy for a packed house of international visitors in New York City.

“I tell you, I don’t get no respect,” said a twitchy Trump as he straightened his ridiculously long Chinese necktie. “No respect at all. I asked my wife if I was good in bed. She said, ‘I don’t know. Ask Stormy, Mr. toadstool.’ Then she said, ‘Oh, wait, it’s all in her new book. I’ll read it to you sometime, stumpie!’ You believe that? No respect. I get no respect at all.”

Trump went on to critique the job he’s done since being elected leader of the free world. “It’s amazing, the job I’m doing. An incredible job. My administration has accomplished more than any other administration in the history of our country. So true.”

The crowd was on the floor laughing. Paramedics administered oxygen to those left breathless.

“Seriously, folks, I’m really, really very good at being president. Don’t believe me? I’ll ask an impartial expert. You can’t put words in this guy’s mouth, believe me!”

Trump sat in a chair as a limp Sean Hannity was carried on stage by two security officers and placed on the president’s lap. The Donald put his hand on his Hannity’s back.

DJT: Hey, little buddy.
SH: Hi, bossman.
DJT: Do you think I’m a good president?
SH: Yes sir — the best ever!
DJT: Better than Lincoln?
SH: Uh-huh. Lincoln should’ve stuck to making logs.
DJT: And Washington?
SH: Absolutely. He brushed with Crest Termite Control. His breath smelled like sawdust.
DJT: What about the Roosevelts — Teddie and Frankie?
SH: Those guys sucked. They did bupkis. You’re making America great again!
DJT: I am! Is there anything you think I could do better, Sean?
SH: Maybe don’t move your lips so much when I’m talking…

The Trumpster kicked his dummy off stage and did a blistering set about Brett Kavanaugh’s high school and college years of virginity.

“I think the pope got more action than Brett did in college. I call Brett Madonna — because he’s like a virgin! Look, I want to put Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court so he can disrobe once in a while! The guy needs to relax if you know what I mean.”

He also torched his justice department. “I’m not saying Jeff Sessions is dumb, well, actually I am saying that. A very stupid man, Jeff. Short, too. Very small. Like a Hummel figurine. I want to dress the guy in lederhosen. Put him on my mantle. I mean it. And how about that Rod Rosenstein? I should get rid of that guy. Hit him right in his ugly four eyes. Do you think I should can him? If I did, what should I say?”

Trump smiled as the crowd egged him on for his signature line. He cupped a hand to his ear. The din of the general assembly was deafening.

“I’ll tell him — you’re fired! Rosenstein, you’re fired!!!”

The United Nations delegates leaped to their feet and gave the prez a standing O.

Steve Wynne immediate signed Trump to play twelve weeks in Las Vegas with Cher.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

Thanks for reading.