Trump Signs Executive Order Prohibiting COVID-19 Virus

President Donald J. Trump has a golden gut.

He felt the global pandemic might be on the horizon. He knew in his gut it was coming.

"I thought it would be bad, very bad," he told The Lint Screen. "Not just for the economy, but people, too. I care about people, everyone says so."

He inherited a horrible pandemic preparedness program.

"It was a disaster. The worst ever," he says shaking his massive noggin from side to side. "No one thought a pandemic could ever happen. Obama didn't. He was an awful president. The worst. The country was in a depression when I took over, and I built the greatest economy anyone has ever seen. A tremendous economy."

But the pandemic did come.

"It came from China, so I built a wall in China. A great wall. Magnificent, beautiful wall. But the pandemic still came to the United States. So I stopped allowing Chinese people to come here. Everyone said that was brilliant and saved billions of lives."

But not even that brave action was enough. The pandemic got worse in the U.S.

"It's a bad virus, a nasty virus. No one has ever seen anything like this, I call it 'the invisible enemy'–– the invisible enemy, I made that up myself. The invisible enemy. I also call it the invisible scourge. Invisible scourge. And I didn't like it, no matter what the name. So I took action against the invisible enemy or scourge, whichever one you like."

In a bold move, Trump commanded his minions to draft an executive order banning COVID-19, and he signed it immediately.

"I didn't wait. Waiting hurts the economy. This executive order tells the COVID-19 virus it is not so welcome in our country. Go home, invisible enemy. Get out, invisible scourge!"

And just like that, America was saved. COVID-19 is banned.

"We'll see what happens," the president said. "I have a good feeling about this."

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).