Patrick Scullin

5 years ago · 2 min. reading time · ~10 ·

Blogging
>
Patrick blog
>
Trump Saves Children From “Evil Democrats”

Trump Saves Children From “Evil Democrats”

6afd7833.jpg

President Donald J. Trump is a very busy man. When he’s not bringing about world peace, making new pals with strong and very talented leaders, he is spreading love and compassion for all of humanity.

The big man called The Lint Screen today for some exclusive quotes about the recent brouhaha at the border.

“I had to do something,” the prez said, “the evil Democrats were stealing crying babies from their parents and locking them up. I’m sure Nancy Pelosi and Crooked Hillary were going to dip the poor kids in vats of hot oil. Then, Chuck Schumer would stick the crispy little buggers with sharp spears. That’s not right. That’s bad. Very bad. And frankly, it’s not very American.”

Trump cracked open a Diet Coke and continued.

“This was a big problem, separating parents from their kids, even if the parents are illegals and probably rapists and murders or members of MS-13. But the kids? The kids are probably pretty innocent. I mean, most of the kids probably are. Maybe not all of them, but most of them are fine. Good kids. Maybe a little criminal, stealing things, lighting fires, making bombs. There’s always some bad apples. Anyway, I couldn’t stand by and watch the Democrats rip innocent babies away from their criminal families. So, I took action. That’s what I do. I’m very good at taking action. I’m like a presidential action figure. Much better than Obama, everyone says so. And I was incredible on ‘The Apprentice’ — did an amazing job. Much, much better than Schwarzenegger.”

Trump could be heard patting himself on the back.

“So I went to Congress, and I said don’t take these kids from their parents. I told the lawmakers they had to fix this problem. They need to get the money to build my wall. The wall will solve everything. A big, beautiful wall will keep illegal parents and their kids out. That will protect them from the horrible Democrats. And since over 2,000 kids are still missing, I told the dairy companies to put all their faces on milk cartons. That always works. We’ll find them. I know we will. I love children. I’m a very loving man, everyone says so.”

Trump took a deep breath.

And Mueller needs to call off his very unfair witch hunt. There was absolutely no collusion. It’s a total witch hunt. Complete disgrace.”

#########################################

Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to be a full-time writer, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

Thanks for reading.


Comments

Phil Friedman

5 years ago #1

How do you manage to find all these photos that make our presidential imposter look like a character out of a Batman movie? Oh wait, forget that question, he IS a character out of a Batman movie.

Articles from Patrick Scullin

View blog
1 year ago · 3 min. reading time

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell explains the coming nirvana under Repubocracy. · Republicans ...

1 year ago · 2 min. reading time

Ernie Johnson may be the perfect template for a Republican candidate. · Dry Cleaner Ernie Johnson wa ...

1 year ago · 2 min. reading time

Anti-abortion candidate Hershel Walker wants recognition for paying girlfriend abortion bill. · GOP ...

Related professionals

You may be interested in these jobs

  • Thom Child And Family Services

    Physical Therapist

    Found in: Jooble US O C2 - 3 days ago


    Thom Child And Family Services Worcester, MA, United States

    *Sign-on-Bonus available $3,000* Are you looking for a rewarding opportunity working with the pediatric population (children birth to 3 years)? Are you passionate about making a difference in the lives of families? Thom Child & Family Services located in Worcester, MA is seeking ...

  • PRIDE Health

    CT Technologist

    Found in: Jooble US O C2 - 11 hours ago


    PRIDE Health Austin, TX, United States

    PRIDE Health is seeking a travel CT Technologist for a travel job in Austin, Texas. · Job Description & Requirements · ~ Specialty: CT Technologist · ~ Discipline: Allied Health Professional · ~ Start Date: 04/22/2024 · ~ Duration: 13 weeks · ~34 hours per week · ~ Shift: 1 ...

  • Chick-fil-A

    Dining Room Host

    Found in: Talent US C2 - 1 day ago


    Chick-fil-A Pittsburgh, United States Full time

    Hospitality Team Member · The hospitality team member is responsible for providing an exceptional guest experience from the point of first engagement until the guest leaves our restaurant. This position requires that the hospitality team member be aware of guest needs, and do wha ...