TRUMP SAVES AMERICA, DECLARES NATIONAL EMERGENCY

As sure as the sun rises in the east, President Donald J. Trump will protect Americans from catastrophe, destruction, and certain death.

“I said I would build a wall,” the president told The Lint Screen, “and I will finish the job no matter how much the angry socialist Democrats fight me.”

In recent budget battles, the master negotiator made a brilliant deal to secure over a billion dollars for the 55-mile fortification of existing walls.

“I shut down our government for over a month, the longest shutdown in history,” the prez said proudly. “I took the Dems to the mat, and masterminded a very strong deal, many people are saying the strongest deal ever. And I got over a billion dollars! Now, I’m going to finish the job.”

Trump said he has declared a national emergency and will soon begin taking additional wall funds from other government allocations.

“There is a ton of money in veterans benefits, National Institutes of Health, Medicare, Social Security for widows and orphans, infrastructure, Mueller’s witch hunt, and other wasteful government programs,” the Donald said. “The money is there, and I’m going to take it to protect Americans. Or, I’ll make Mexico pay for the wall. We’ll see what happens.”

Trump said the drastic measure of declaring a national emergency was necessary. “Every day, over 100,000 illegals storm our borders. Most of them are murderers, rapists, terrorists, very bad hombres. They are carrying drugs, diseases, nuclear weapons, healthy tasteless foods and other things designed to harm our society.”

To support his point, the bossman rattled over some of his latest statistics.

“There are over 80,000 murders daily, 20,000 homes are set on fire, 5,000 children are kidnapped, 10,000 pets have their throats cut, and over 100,000 crucifixes thrown in the mud and stomped. This carnage has got to stop.”

To do that, the president is promising to build “a big, new beautiful wall, over 100-feet high and electrified, lined with landmines on the Mexican side. On the American side, there will be mink fur.”

The big man is sincere in his determination to save America and its people.

“I promised to make America great again, and I will with this wall.I’ll also be loosening sanctions on Russia because over the years we have treated them very unfairly. Not at all nice. It’s a disgrace!”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).