TRUMP RESCINDS TURKEY PARDONS, CALLS THEM “RATS”

What a difference a day makes.

Yesterday, President Donald J. Trump was all smiles as he gave his official pardon to two turkeys named Bread and Butter at a formal White House garden ceremony. Today, the president rescinded his pardon and sentenced the birds to death.

“I joked yesterday that the turkeys were receiving subpoenas from Adam Schiff,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “It was funny. Everyone loved it. Everyone loves my sense of humor. But this morning, I found out it was true–– the turkeys really were subpoenaed by Schiff, and they sang like birds. These turkeys are rats. They deserve to die. I can grant life, but guess what? I can also take it away. Bread and Butter are going to be in my belly tomorrow for their betrayal.”

Trump said he heard the turkeys claimed Russia interred with the 2016 election.

“Everyone knows that’s a lie,” the president said, getting red in his puss. “Ukraine did it, not Russia. Why would Russia interfere? Russia didn’t do it, Putin said so. He’s a great guy. Very honest.”

Trump continued the details on the plot against him.

“Ukraine still has the Democrat’s server with all the Biden dirt, Hillary’s emails, and all her Benghazi secrets, and the dirt on the Clinton pedophile pizza scandal. The server also has Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate. The Democrats are trying to cover it up. These turkeys knew about it and are part of the conspiracy. Bread and Butter are never-Trumpers. They’ll find out how I deal with rats like them.”

Trump said he doesn’t care what public sentiment is about his decision to slaughter the previously pardoned tom turkeys. 

“Bleeding hearts can whine and cry all they want,” the big guy said. “I won’t stand for anyone telling lies about me. I don’t care if they are stupid birds. I’ll teach them not to sing.”

The president said he will have recently pardoned Navy SEAL Eddie Gallagher to slaughter Bread and Butter. 

“That guy owes me,” Trump said. “I saved his bacon and now I want him to do me a favor. I want those turkey traitors dead. Good and dead.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).