Trump-Putin Phone Call Transcript

The Lint Screen is proud to present the only official transcript of the recent congratulatory call from U.S. President Donald J. Trump to Russia President Vladimir Putin.This exclusive scoop is presented thanks to a weasely leaker in the West Wing. Thanks, JK, tell Ivy we said, ‘hi!’

(PHONE RINGING)
VP: Здравствуйте
DT: Hello — Mr. President?
VP: Donald, is that you?
DT: Yes, Mr. President, it’s me.
VP: It is so very good to hear from you —
DT: Mr. President, I want to congratulate you on your victory.
VP: Thank you, Donald.
DT: I read you got, what, 77% of the vote?
VP: Yes. 77, more or less.
DT: I had 94% of the vote, you know — if they didn’t count the illegals.
VP: Please, Donald, not again…
DT: Crooked Hillary had all her illegals voting for her.
VP: I know, you told me…
DT: So many illegals, snuck in from Mexico. Very bad people. Not fair.
VP: I know, Donald. Crooked Hillary should be locked-up —
DT: “Lock her up, lock her up!” I invented that. Very popular…
VP: Very popular, Donald.
DT: But I showed her. I got the most Electoral College votes ever —
VP: Impressive, Donald.
DT: Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisonsin — just about all the states. 51, 52.
VP: That’s nice, Donald. You must be proud.
DT: And my Inauguration crowd, it was the biggest in history.
VP: I heard, Donald.
DT: Epic event. Incredible crowd. People as far as I could see.
VP: Right, Donald. Big crowd.
DT: Much larger than Obama’s Inauguration. A hundred times bigger.
VP: Yes, Donald. Obama’s crowd was small.
DT: And everyone is talking about what a great job I’m doing.
VP: Yes, the world is talking about you —
DT: A tremendous job, they all say that.
VP: Tremendous job, Donald.
DT: Naturally, everyone wants to work for me —
VP: So many open positions. I hear people are leaving all the time.
DT: I tell them, “You’re fired!”
VP: Yes, Donald.
DT: That’s my catchphrase — “You’re fired!”
VP: Fired. I’ve heard.
DT: Everyone watched me on The Apprentice.
VP: Yes, Donald.
DT: I had incredible ratings. Biggest ratings ever. I made NBC.
VP: Yes, Donald.
DT: My ratings were bigger than The Beatles on Ed Sullivan.
VP: Impressive, Donald. Beatles were very popular.
DT: I’m very popular, too, Mr. President.
VP: Yes, Donald, very popular.
DT: But the fake news still attacks me. Liars, in Crooked Hillary camp.
VP: You deserve better, Donald…
DT: Mueller’s working for Crooked Hillary, too. His team’s all liberals.
VP: Is unfair, Donald.
DT: But, no collusion, right, Mr. President?
VP: Yes. No collusion, Donald. Absolutely not.
DT: You would know, right?
VP: Yes, Donald, I would know.
DT: Then, I’ll just fire Mueller and —
VP: Did Don, Junior tell you good news, Donald?
DT: Who?
VP: Don, Junior — your son. Don, Junior.
DT: Oh, yeah. Him. Right.
VP: You are good to begin breaking ground for Trump Towers Moscow.
DT: That’s great, Mr. President!
VP: Yes, but please, Donald, do not tell anyone. Keep secret.
DT: No? Why not?
VP: We do not wish to appear to be collusion.
DT: Oh, right. No collusion.
VP: Good, Donald. I must go now, I have important meeting. Am late.
DT: Thanks for calling Mr. President.
VP: Um, yes, Donald. Keep up the great work!
DT: I will. Everyone says I’m doing an incredibly tremendous job —
VP: Yes, Donald, I heard. Must go now…
DT: That’s why everyone wants to work for me and —
(CLICK)
(DIAL TONE)
DT: Hello? Mr. President? (SHOUTING) Becky, I think we got cut off!

And, scene.

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Patrick Scullin is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to be a full-time Writing Fool.

He has two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

Be on the lookout for his first novel, SAWDUST.