TRUMP FURIOUS AT INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES FOR “TREASONOUS BEHAVIOR”

Taxpayers shell out $81 billion-a-year for intelligence services, and according to President Donald Trump, “It’s a big fat waste of money–– all they do is report lies and misinformation. It’s treasonous behavior.”

Trump is on the warpath after finding out intelligence officials made a report to the House Intelligence Committee that included Democrat Adam Schiff.

In the report, the intelligence officers said Russia is meddling in our election like they did in 2016, and once again, they want Trump to win.

“It’s outrageous,” the president fumed to The Lint Screen. “Can you imagine giving sensitive information to Adam Schiff? He is the most dangerous man in the world. A very evil, very bad man. Schiff is Satan. He hates God, he wants to impregnate our daughters, abort babies, and let illegal aliens take our guns, and rape our mothers. He is trying to overthrow America.”

Trump was so enraged at the briefing, he fired Acting Director of National Intelligence Adm. Joseph Maguire and others involved in “the hoax.”

“I have no use for intelligence. I told these people repeatedly that the idea Russia would interfere with our elections is absolutely ridiculous. Why would they? Russia has its own elections. Vladimir Putin gave me a pinky swear on his mother’s grave that they did not mess with our elections. And Putin, like me, is a man known for his honesty and integrity. Everyone says so. I believe him, he’s a good man. End of discussion.”

To replace Maguire, who the president called “an awful man, real garbage, has no class at all,” Trump selected US Ambassador to Germany Richard Grenell to head up intelligence agencies.

“Richard Grennell is from central casting–– very handsome, great eyes, looks very intelligent–– like a real book reader,” Trump says. He puffs his chest and continues.

“Richard told me I am the greatest leader ever, the greatest man ever. The chosen one brought here by God. Grennell is obviously a tremendous judge of character. He also told me it would be his honor to serve me as I make America great again. Then he recited the Pledge of Allegiance to Trump. I think we can trust him. Richard Grennell will protect us. Sleep tight, America. Trump will protect our elections.”

This reporter asked the president if perhaps it wouldn’t be a good idea to improve election security just in case. The scribe was immediately arrested, shackled, and sent to the gulag.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).